BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

Oh, my. Once again we're packing boxes and saying goodbyes.

After nine years in Southern California we're about to move to Nashville, Tenn. New jobs, new house, new routines. Our last move brought us here from Connecticut. Before that, Hubby and I lived in South Carolina and Maryland. And between college and the time I met him, I'd already moved three times. So the whole let's-uproot-and-begin-a-new-adventure thing isn't new to us, and the goodbyes don't feel quite so final in this era of texting and Facebook, thank goodness. But our children are already rattled.

Son, 13, remembers Connecticut, so at least he knows there's life after a move. But he's understandably unenthused about leaving friends and having to make new ones on the other side of the country. Daughter, barely 10, has no memory of anything other than this house, this neighborhood, this life. Some days she's excited, because she'll see her grandparents more often, and because her immediate fear (that we wouldn't bring the dog with us) was allayed. Other days she's teary, secretive and uncooperative. She's a high-maintenance kid anyway, so I'm not surprised. I chalk a lot of her recent moodiness up to the turmoil that's already struck as we pack, hold yard sales and prepare the house for renters.

Lori Collins Burgan says both my kids will need extra TLC in coming weeks. She should know. She wrote "Moving with Kids" after relocating five times in seven years (yikes!). Hubby and I are savvy about the physical aspects of moving, but this time we're also dealing with our kids' reactions, which wasn't a big challenge last time because they were so young.

We instinctively understand something Burgan emphasizes in her book: the kids need
reassurance that the basic facts of our life won't change - that we are family, we love each other and that we will try to re-create much of what's positive about life here in our life there.

A few of Burgan's tips:

Give kids notebooks for collecting friends' phone numbers, email addresses and farewell messages. Asking friends to add photos, poems, song lyrics, etc., gives children portable keepsakes they can pore over later if they're homesick.

Let kids pack their most precious possessions in a backpack that travels with them on the road trip or flight.

When loading the truck, be sure boxes containing the kids' bedding, pillows and favorite toys are among the first things unloaded in the new house. It gives them the comfort of familiar items when landing in an unfamiliar place.

If possible, let the kids visit their new school before they start attending. Getting familiar with the campus (where's the cafeteria? The bathrooms?) and, even better, meeting their future teacher, alleviates some first-day anxieties. Burgan and her husband even take off from work the first day their kids start in a new school, to devote more time and attention to the morning rush and their children's reactions at the end of the day.

Throw a going-away party. Burgan recommends this for giving everyone a chance to say goodbye (and collect those numbers and journal entries). I had my own brilliant idea when we left Connecticut: I invited my friends over the day before we left to divvy up all the food, cleaning and household supplies that were open and couldn't move with us (why toss shampoo or olive oil in a landfill)? When the moving truck arrived, I invited them back with their children, who were young enough to be completely enthralled by watching movers haul things into that enormous trailer. Burgan urges another party at your new place: "Don't wait for new friends to come to you." Invite neighbors and classmates over for a we'd-like-to-get-to-know-you party.

Perhaps most importantly, don't minimize kids' grief as they leave friends and relatives behind. "Encourage your kids to express how they're feeling, and never judge what they tell you," Burgan writes. "Saying things like 'Don't worry, you'll make new friends' or 'don't feel sad' would give them the message their feelings are unacceptable," she says.

How true. After all, I have mixed feelings about the move, too, and I had far more say about it than the kids did. Hubby and I decided to relocate believing that in the long run, it will benefit all of us - professionally, financially and for the sake of being closer to extended family. That doesn't mean that on our last day here I'll skip merrily off to the airport, singing songs of joy. More likely I'll be a shaky, tearful, wrung-out wreck clutching my best friend in a death hug and obsessing over second (and third, and fourth) thoughts. That's how I left Connecticut nine years ago. We were in California seven months before I felt at home. I'm sure Nashville will feel utterly foreign and lonely for a long time, too.

But as Burgan writes, and as I've told my kids, each time I've left a place, no matter how tearfully, I've landed somewhere with its own beauty, its own wonderful friends, its own perks (climate, cuisine, culture). The fact we've lived in many places has enriched my life as much as it's complicated it. My kids don't understand that yet, of course; they're focused mostly on whether our new neighborhood's pool has a slide. But I hope someday they'll look back on this move and remember not only sorrowful goodbyes but joys that, at this moment, still lie ahead.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

In California, a grandparent raises more than one in 10 children for at least six months; most provide care for three years or more.

There has been a 50 percent increase in our state where grandparents are the primary caregivers for young children. The two most cited reasons I hear in my family counseling practice are economics and drug abuse.

The financial reality is not difficult to understand. Young parents have children and through divorce, loss of job or illness become unable to financially support their kids. If they are fortunate enough to have a close family, the parent's parent may step in and offer help.

The second most common reason I see is drug abuse, usually methamphetamines. Riverside County, after all, is the speed capital of the United States. This insidious, easy-to-obtain and relatively inexpensive drug changes lives and often the lives altered belong to children under the age of 10.

Few would argue that drugs and kids don't mix. Any person who has been exposed to methamphetamines would add "and especially meth and raising kids is a toxic combination." Grandparents watch as their grown children have babies and yet don't stop the drug lifestyle or are so hopelessly habituated, efforts to stop or cut down don't last.

Those grandparents who raise their children's kids are the unsung heroes of our culture. Whatever assistance is given either by the child's parent or the state rarely covers the true cost of parenting. From clothes to school supplies, raising kids is an expense that never stabilizes. The main reason I hear why a man or woman who has already raised a family would do this again is, "These are my grandkids. What am I going to do, let them be with a parent who is either high or gone or both?"

Some cynics say the grandparents do it for the family assistance check but these people obviously have not raised children. When I ask the grandparent why they offer their homes and are willing to radically change their lifestyles, most take a deep breath and explain: "It's not what I had envisioned. I figured when my youngest was grown and gone I'd have time to do what I wanted. That's changed but it is what it is. Don't really think about it. Too busy taking the kids to school, doing homework and working."

Some of these caregivers may be motivated for the wrong reasons, but most have a value system, a family ethic that makes any other decision unthinkable. This Mother's Day we will celebrate the young moms, take them out to dinner or bring them breakfast in bed. And while these young mothers deserve more appreciation then is usually given, it is the caregiver grandparent I often think about on Mothers Day. These grandmas and grandpas don't get Hallmark cards or much social recognition but their willingness to be a safety net for the next generation is a trait that makes the world better for all of us.

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BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

The notion of family dinner's so idyllic. Parents and children gather together to savor a home-cooked meal, everyone shares the highlights of their day, there is laughter, there is love, there are warm fuzzies.

In my house things go more like this:

Me: "Son, how was your day?"
Son: (Detailed report of every inappropriate, gross conversation shared with fellow seventh-graders. Really unsuitable for mealtimes, and sometimes print.)
Hubby: "Daughter, how was your day?"
Daughter: "For my birthday I'd like a party, a cell phone, 10 DSI games, a day at the spa, a sleepover with 50 of my closest friends, new décor for my bedroom and a pony. Also, we only have one chocolate chip cookie left. I call dibs."
Me: "Honey, how was your day?"
Hubby: "OK." (This is the stock reply, given for our wedding, Sept. 11 and anything in between.)
Me: (Silence - though silence is hard for me.)
Me: (More silence.) (Nope, nobody ever asks about my day.)

So I volunteer the usual rundown of whether the dog was good or bad, whether everyone's finished their homework and would everyone please please please clean the kitchen after dinner before bolting for the bathtub, the TV and the couch.

Despite the total lack of profound warm fuzziness occurring at my kitchen table, we continue eating dinner together as a family. I insist on it, really. No wandering off to watch TV until the meal's over, no jumping up to answer the phone (seriously, people, that's what the answering machine is for), and no, my daughter may not eat a full meal at 5:30 p.m., because we hold dinner for Daddy, who often doesn't arrive home until an hour later.

Only three of the four of us eat breakfast, and it's done in two shifts. We're in four different places at lunchtime. Dinner's the only 20 minutes each day we're all in the same place and can truly focus on each other without distractions. Sometimes we're cranky, the food's often less than gourmet, sometimes we rush. But the shared dinner means we're more than mere housemates; we're family.

Oodles of studies have identified benefits, especially for children, found at the family meal.

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University reported in September 2011 that 58 percent of American families eat dinner together at least five nights per week. That's higher than I expected, actually. We hear a lot of talk about how schedules, commutes and a generally hectic culture prevent families from supping together - real pressures on many families, but a sad erosion of the family bond.

The family dinner accomplishes a lot:

Kids eat more nutritious foods. This might be because there's table talk about eating your veggies but it's probably because eating at home involves home-cooked meals more than fast food.

The folks at CASA found that teens who eat frequent dinners with parents are less likely to smoke or abuse drugs or alcohol. Its 2011 study showed that, compared with teens dining with family five times per week, those who eat with their family fewer than three times were three times more likely to use cigarettes, 2.5 times more likely to smoke pot, twice as likely to use alcohol and nearly four times more likely to try other illegal drugs. Suddenly my kids' dessert-abuse problem doesn't seem so awful.

Family meals may be good for kids' mental as well as physical health. Some studies show that children who eat dinner with their families are less likely to suffer depression and eating disorders. The social aspect of a meal and the give-and-take with parents may counteract any isolation a down-in-the-dumps teen might be feeling, and the group meal at home discourages dysfunctional eating patterns. The daily contact over food also helps parents recognize symptoms of depression or eating disorders in their kids.

CASA further notes that dining together as family seems to boost kids' grades. Twenty percent of kids with family meals fewer than three times each week had grades of C or lower. In families who dine together, only 9 percent scored that low. The study theorized that taking part in conversation with adults bolsters the kids' language skills, especially vocabulary. (Though if you have a seventh-grader, the vocabulary might be, um, interesting.)

CASA's chairman, Joseph A. Califano, Jr., said the reason why family dinners have such positive effects is that they're a chance for parents to interact with children, and that "parental engagement in children's lives is key to raising healthy, drug-free kids. ... Seventeen years of surveying teens has taught us that the more often children have dinner with their families the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs."

I'm happy to hear all this research. But I'm merely recreating what I recall from my own childhood. Those dinners weren't all sweetness and light, either. But decades later, when my extended family gets together, the best part is always dinner. The food's good, but the storytelling and gut-busting laughter is even better. Even when there's a pouty kid and the kitchen's a mess.

Pass the peace, please.

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BY DEBBIE YOCUM
GUEST AUTHOR

Last year one lucky golfer won a new BMW when he played in the Fourth Annual Riverside Poly Golf Tournament at the Victoria Golf Club. This year for the tournament, on May 7, there will be four cars waiting on the course to go home with other lucky winners.

Dealerships sponsoring the Poly High School football team this year are BMW of
Riverside, Acura of Riverside, Alvarez Lincoln-Jaguar and Fritts Ford.

The golf tournament is hosted by the Green and Orange Booster club, whose sole purpose is to fundraise and support the Poly High School football program and its coaching staff. The tournament will again be played at the Victoria Club, at 2521 Arroyo Drive in Riverside, with registration starting at 9 a.m. and a shotgun start at 10 a.m.

Lunch, games, prizes, snacks and beverages will be provided all day. For a tax-deductible donation of $125, each golfer will receive 18 holes of golf with a cart, one
set of season tickets to Poly football games, lunch, barbecue, awards banquet and a player gift pack.

All proceeds from the event support the students of the Poly football program. In years past, the school district was able to help support the athletic programs. With recent budget cuts, however, it now falls to players, coaches, families and friends to raise money for the various teams and programs. Without fundraisers like this one, there would not be a football team at Poly High.

Victoria Club, an exclusive private club, is located in the Tequesquite Arroyo, formerly surrounded by orange groves. The club was incorporated in 1903, making it the oldest private club in Southern California.

Riverside Poly is the oldest public high school in Riverside and it too has a rich history in the Inland Empire . Former students of Riverside Poly include basketball stars Cheryl and Reggie Miller and baseball great Bobby Bonds. Another baseball great, Troy Percival, will be among the golfers gathering on May 7 to golf on the course, which is usually closed to the public. Also attending the tournament will be Leonard Russell, former NFL Player of the Year.

Another reason to attend the event is to get a chance at winning one of other prizes, including a one-week stay in a Las Vegas or Cabo San Lucas condo; four passes to Disneyland; a flat-screen TV; two weeks of free tutoring at My Learning Studio; dinner at
Mario's Place Restaurant; tickets to Angels and Dodgers games; gift certificates to restaurants including Yard House, Spaghetti Factory and Ancho's; and more.

If you are not a golfer but want to take part in the award banquet, tickets will be sold for $25 each. Sponsors of the event include Burke's Auto Repair, Central City Enterprises, Teaman, Ramirez & Smith Inc., Adrenaline, DJO Global/Ortho Xpress and Premier Service Bank, among others.

For more details, see www.polybearsfootball.com. Click on the "Golf Tournament" link. Or contact Lisa Salamon at 951-212-7759 or email her at lisa.salamon@polybearsfootball.com.

It is a great way to enjoy the day, playing golf in a beautiful setting and supporting a high school football program. Space is limited; sign up now!

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

I've had men and women come into my office and state before a psychotherapy session starts, "I want to let you know that my children are with a sitter so if my cell phone rings and it's my kids, I need to answer it." Others will announce, "I've been trying to get ahold of a business client and there is chance he or she may call during our session. It is an extremely important call and I may step out if they ring."

Each of these statements is appreciated. What is less understandable is when an individual has their phone ring, they check the number and just start talking. Unless you are a neurosurgeon on call, a parent with responsibility for children or have previously scheduled a potential call of importance, picking up the phone and just talking is a behavior that didn't exist 20 years ago.

Before call waiting, voice mail and the advent of cellular phones, Americans were content to do their socializing when not interacting with others. Now it is the norm and it is not a positive observation for men and women to stop a conversation and begin another without even saying, "Excuse me," "I'll just be a minute" or "This is the reason I am behaving poorly."

During family counseling I have been in the position of asking adults and adolescents to please turn off their cell phones. I know when a petulant adolescent is texting during a therapy session someone has dropped the ball on manners and civility. It has become diagnostic, meaning an opportunity for therapists to assess parenting by observing how parents manage cell phone behavior for themselves and their kids during counseling.

I've had children explaining to their parents, with tears in their eyes, why they feel sad or alone in their lives. In the middle of a heartfelt statement, when most moms and dads would be riveted to their child, some parents end the opportunity and switch to answering an unknown cell call. My heart aches for the child.

Few of us have business so important we need to suspend a conversation and start a new one mid-sentence. I've seen therapists check their phones during a session and actually excuse themselves to take the call. The only way this is not the epitome of arrogance and insensitivity would be if the counselor announced they might need to take a sensitive call and apologize in advance. I'll do this if I am on call for court testimony, but it is announced before the session begins with an apology and assurance no time will be taken from the person in my office.

I don't know where we as a society lost the notion that all persons deserve respect, but the cell phone quickly lets me know if I matter. I don't know if the pendulum will swing the other way but I recognize more and more educators, spouses and family members are letting it be known if they are in a conversation they expect to have eye contact and response until it ends.

Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

Ever wish you had more time with your kids, and that trying to squeeze school, sports and downtime into the day wasn't so difficult?

Some families, like the O'Neals of Moreno Valley, found a way to do that, or at least make the juggling a bit easier. Five kids in this family attend an online school rather than a traditional brick-and-mortar public school. Mom Brittay O'Neal says the decision was prompted mostly by the desire to fit extracurricular activities into their schedules, and also to give the parents more time with the kids.

The children attend Capistrano Connections Academy. It's chartered through the Capistrano Unified School District. It follows the standard K-12 California curriculum, including standardized tests, but the students interact with their teachers via computer, using video and audio. Brittay is their "learning coach," the adult at home who supervises and keeps things on track. Connections requires each family to have such a coach.

Brittay lives with her sister, Breecie O'Neal, and is a stay-at-home parent to Elijah, 9, who's in fourth grade. Brittay also teaches her nephews and niece: Ben, 13 and a seventh-grader; Liam, 11, in fifth grade; and Brielle, 9, in third grade; and Brittay's cousin, Kansas O'Dwyer, 10, a fourth-grader.

The arrangement is on part old-fashioned one-room schoolhouse, one part modern technology. The O'Neals are now in their seventh year with Connections.

Detailed lesson plans include reviews and tests. Connections provides an online "scheduler" to let families plan the hours they'll devote to schoolwork and arrange for days off. Each child has several "live lessons" per week, to participate in a teleconferenced class with their teacher via the computer monitor and headsets. Brittay figures the kids glean half their learning from their teachers and half from her. The teachers are very accessible by email, she said. Connections organizes frequent field trips and offers free tutoring for kids struggling with a particular subject.

The O'Neal kids typically attend school Monday through Friday, mostly from Brittay's kitchen table. If there's a scheduling conflict Brittay can work around it. The kids have learned not to goof off too much during lesson time, she said; they must finish the day's tasks, and if they dawdle their "school" time drags longer.

The flexibility lets the adults, who work long hours, "get one-on-one time with the kids," Brittay said, and frees up time for tons of activities - one kid's in roller hockey, one in ice hockey, one in dance. The boys are in Cub and Boy Scouts. Brittay's mother helps her coach sometimes, a big plus when one of the kids needs extra help. The older boys now help teach the younger children sometimes too, Brittay said.

"I get to see what they're leaning and I get to spend that time with them," Brittay said. "It's hard to separate being a parent and being their teacher. But I have lots of help. The kids are getting so much out of it, and their grades reflect it." They're all straight-A students, she said.

Not every family has someone willing and able to be the "coach" for the sake of a flexible schedule. That coach "has to be very organized," Brittay said. She relies heavily on the online scheduler, and prints each child's assignments, assessments and work projects the night before so there's no wasted time in the morning.

Early on, the major challenge was "trying to figure out a schedule that worked for us," she said. They learned to create short and long school days to accommodate everything. "And the parents have to be involved. We are the eyes of the teachers," she said.

Brianna Chavez, an academy spokeswoman, says Connections attracts families who have unusual schedules due to elite sports or heavy travel, for example, and those who want an alternative to both conventional public school and home-schooling. For more information, see ConnectionsAcademy.com

Do your kids get an education that's untraditional in some way? Why did you make that choice? Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

Think you need better discipline and less chaos in your family? The Lifetime Channel is casting a future season of the reality TV show "America's Supernanny." It's seeking families in the Riverside area.

The show's recruiting posters say it all: "Are your children driving you nuts?" The children can be any age, from toddlerhood through their teen years.

The show sends "Supernanny" Deborah Tillman to families who need help solving a range of difficulties- "from disciplinary problems, separation anxiety and picky eating to poor bedtime routines, clinging on mom or dad, spoiled kids and attention deficit disorder," as the show's website proclaims - "to put families on the road to happiness."

Tillman's a wife, mother, author and teacher.

To nominate your family for the show, there's no cost. Call 1-877-NANNYTIME or visit its website, SuperNanny@shedmediaus.com

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

One of my all time favorite movies is "The Bad Seed," with Patty McCormick. The story of this film was the belief that bad or criminal behavior could be inherited. An 8-year-old girl, Rhoda, goes on a killing spree and the mother discovers her own biological father was a murderer.

Now I'm reading "Defending Jacob," an updated version of the same plot. Recently the University of Virginia released a study on behavioral genetics that studied the relationship between DNA and anti-social behavior. It's juicy stuff and also fodder for the nightmares of any parent with a child who is always getting into trouble for bullying or aggressive behaviors.

The jury's out on whether criminal behaviors can be passed on through genetics. Even the most ardent proponents mitigate their findings with disclaimers stating that how a child is raised and which behaviors are reinforced play an important part regardless of genetics -- the nature-vs.-nurture argument.

What we do know is there are millions of parents who look at their children, the ones who get into trouble, seem to delight in hurting others or appear to have no conscience and they wonder, "Is there something wrong with my child?"

As a counselor I've had dozens of these parents in my office and their pain is gut-wrenching: "We model loving behavior, always give consequences when our child misbehaves and yet they persist in tormenting animals, playing too rough with friends or display indifference when the choices they make hurts others."

Sometimes these kids are only 4 or 5 years old, too early to draw conclusions or hit the panic button -- but not too young to talk about empathy, focus on making amends or helping the child through role-play or counseling to understand how their behavior affects others.

A child who plays too rough, pulls the wings off flies, or laughs when others cry needs guidance. There may be something medically or psychologically wrong, but it is also possible the child needs firmer boundaries and closer scrutiny and the issue is not giving a diagnosis.

Children, especially boys, do go through phases when they have little understanding or interest in why neighbor kids won't play with them or pets seem afraid in their presence. As a therapist I would counsel parents to not be afraid to talk about what you see. Go to your pediatrician or get a referral for a child counselor so the worry can be put into perspective.

It won't stigmatize a child to talk to an educator or other professional who sees thousands of kids, and ask for some feedback. Speaking with other parents can also be helpful. Waiting too long, however, can be a mistake and the consequences are sometimes heartbreaking. No one is anxious to label a child, especially a young child. If as a parent you feel the professional is dismissive or too quick to diagnose, get another opinion. eing a parent is isolating enough without holding in fears, worries or trepidation.

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BY DIANNE BRIGHT
GUEST AUTHOR

It's officially spring, but we'll blink and summer will be here. And that means we'll be cleaning off the barbies for hot dogs and burgers. We'll be slathering on loads of sunscreen, blending smoothies, and wiping off watermelon from our kids' faces. Some of you (over-achievers) are already thinking ahead to Fourth of July parties, summer vacations, and a ton of fun family picnics. Baseball fans are getting out the gloves as well, now that Major League Baseball's season has begun.

But let's be honest, some of us are freaking out about every swimsuit sale in our inboxes. We love the pool but we're beginning to realize that our New Year's diet plan has not been quite as successful as we'd hoped. The truth is, we're gonna have to put on a swimsuit sooner than we'd like because the kids will be begging us to jump into the pool, plus it's gonna be hotter than Hades here in the IE before we know it.

Maybe you're not a pool person, so a bathing suit hunt isn't bugging you. For you, it's those cute floral shorts you were hoping to squeeze into, finally. But they're still a little bit tighter than you remembered them from last summer. Or that little black dress that zips to your waist with the cute ribbon at the end of the zipper, remember that one?

Don't despair, because I'm here to encourage you! I've recently lost a little weight without following any kind of New Year's resolution. I care about the issue of body image in terms of health, but it doesn't run my life. I haven't owned a scale for the past 15 years; nor have I counted calories. I simply don't obsess about how much I weigh because my goal is muscle mass and fat reduction instead of a silly three-digit number.

I think our culture totally overdoes the body image myth most of the time. First off, they tell you that you'll be happier if you're so skinny that you can't eat any of the foods you actually love. hat just doesn't make sense. Second, most ads tell you that you can be a mom and wear a size 1, which isn't usually the case either. Don't you find it refreshing when an advertisement uses a mom who actually looks like she's had a few kids?

So here's my secret: I like to keep it super simple. Let me explain with three basic steps. First, moderate the amount of food that you eat. Don't ditch the ones you looooooove. Just eat half as much of them. If you crave steak and mashed potatoes, eat half of the amount of buttery potatoes (try for low-fat butter and use less salt, too). And go for steamed carrots or broccoli as an additional side so you feel full.

Snack on the good stuff between meals. Grab some lightly salted almonds or a handful of craisins instead of chips. Then reward yourself with frozen yogurt at the end of the day and make tasty protein-filled smoothies after workouts. If you crave a candy bar, split it into thirds and share with a few friends instead of eating the whole thing yourself. This way, you never feel starved. And you don't feel deprived of the good stuff either.

Second, be reasonable! Try to exercise five times per week but don't overdo it. I like to record my workouts every month so I can look back and see my progress (jog, cycle, walk, step class, etc). I see so much consistency that I want to do more the following month. But here's my main advice about moderation: Let it all count! Go for a 10-minute jog and record it on your calendar. And write down the fun stuff too, like 15 minutes out on the trampoline with the kiddos or 20 minutes of soccer in the backyard.

I used to think a workout only counted if it was an hour or two at the gym. But then I'd skip working out altogether, since I didn't have enough time. And that's where most people despair. They start out strong, like "I'm gonna exercise for 90 minutes every day for the next three months." But when shin splints set in two weeks later and sore muscles aren't recovered, they give up their unrealistic goals. Instead, shoot for 10 minutes of moderate exercise five days per week for a couple of weeks. Then increase it to 20 the following week.

Third, know who you are! No matter your age, weight, or skin color, you're gonna have to declare your self-worth from the inside out. Some people actually feel they aren't pretty enough, tall enough, tan enough or something else "enough" to be lovable. And it boggles my mind that many top models are included in that depressed category. So many of us need a new identity! And that starts with the surrender of your heart, body, and mind to a new voice of hope and acceptance.

You may feel like you're not good enough, but the truth is, you are really great the way you are. It's not wrong to aim for balanced health goals, but make sure you're doing it for yourself and not for someone else who might never be impressed anyway. That's the wrong objective! Change who you are because you want to embody a healthier lifestyle and a happier you. You don't owe that to anyone else. Once you feel worthy enough, the changes will come naturally.

You might think that your thighs are unseemly because they're too big after three kids or that those stretch marks need to be forever covered up with a one-piece suit. But you're awesome the way you are because you brought little precious babies into this world. That's a huge accomplishment.

You are incredibly valuable and you matter to God and to me. You aren't too ugly, too fat, too skinny, or too odd-looking to find peace and happiness. I know I can't prove that to you unless you first choose to believe it from the inside of your heart. But when you do, you'll start to see a different person in the mirror as well. And I believe you'll begin to embrace health with more enthusiasm along the way. With a few mindset adjustments, we'll all be longing for summer instead of dreading its arrival.

Remember that your self-worth doesn't have to come from other people's accolades of your physical beauty. Let them see your emotional and spiritual strengths as well, which are based upon things that really matter, like the values inside your heart.

Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

My son takes really long showers.

He's been known to run the hot water for 20 minutes, and that's before his father or I bang on the bathroom door to tell him to wrap it up already - then it takes him another five minutes to actually shut off the water.

He's not usually that filthy. Nor does he always emerge as squeaky clean as one would expect from such a long soak. So presumably he's just enjoying the pounding massage from the nice steamy hot spray. I can't blame him, really, but what feels considerably less comfortable than a long hot shower is the high monthly water bill Hubby and I pay partly due to Son's shower habits.

We've been inconsistent about setting an alarm clock in the bathroom when Son marches off for his leisurely session, but when we've set one to ring after 10 minutes he's been pretty good about obeying it. Maybe we need to step up our game and start shrinking Son's shower time to nine, then maybe seven minutes. (Is five minutes pushing things too far?) Actor and ardent environmentalist Ed Begley Jr. has been quoted saying he turns the shower off while lathering up, only running it to rinse. That might be a hard sell in my house.

Besides the pain of the monthly water bill -- something to bear in mind now that the weather's heating up and water use tends to rise-- my kids' water habits are not doing the Southern California water supply any favors. Financial pleas to the kids don't help. But maybe pushing the environmental button would, especially in the wake of Earth Day this past weekend. Some kids are seriously into environmental causes.

Rob Starr, a strategic technology pro with The Toro Co.'s irrigation division, in Riverside, offers suggestions for instilling water-saving sense in kids. Toro supplies irrigation equipment to businesses and homes, and runs school programs teaching kids to conserve water. Children have control over many things inside the home that can either conserve or waste water. Here's where parents can coach their kids into better water habits:

In the bathroom: "How long does it take to take a shower?" Starr asked. "People can do it in two minutes, or people can do it in 20 minutes." The bathroom timer's a good idea, he said. I once read about a couple so serious about shrinking their water bill that they gave the kids five minutes to shower. After that, the parents shut off the main water supply. It only took a few soapy, shivery experiences to cure the kids of their ignore-the-timer strategy. Too drastic?

Running the tap water while brushing your teeth wastes water at the rate of 1.25 gallons of water per minute, Starr said. So train your kids to turn off the tap until it's time to spit and rinse.

Don't let kids use the toilet in place of a waste basket, Starr said. Some kids will blow their noses, then flush the tissue, a huge waste of water.

Doing laundry: Only run the washing machine with a full load of dirty clothes. A towel used once can be hung to dry then re-used several times. This is something Starr's preached in his own house, and the lesson applies to the dryer, too, to save electricity and/or gas. Starr said one child in his household likes running clothes in the dryer briefly in place of ironing, but this wastes power.

In the kitchen: As children learn to wash dishes, teach them to turn off the faucet while scrubbing so the tap's not running full blast for the duration. Also, if you drink tap water, there's a temptation for kids to run the kitchen tap until the water runs cold. Better to keep a large bottle of water chilled in the refrigerator for this purpose than to waste the tap water waiting for a cold drink, Starr said.

Outdoor play: "A lot of kids like to play in the sprinkler in summer," but not only does this use a lot of water, it can over-water and damage the lawn, Starr said. Better to fill a kiddie pool and let the children splash through it.

Saving water has more to do with moderation and awareness than with drastic restrictions, Starr said. "People freak out when told by agencies, 'you gotta cut back,' " especially when tiered water rates, with higher charges for water use over a certain amount, kick in. "But if they use it wisely, they wouldn't have to cut back" and could remain within the cheapest water tier, Starr said.

Have you taught your kids any water-saving behaviors? How? Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

If you've ever considered an alternative to public school for your child's education, one option is an online school.

Capistrano Connections Academy is hosting a free information session for families tonight from 6:30 to 8 p.m. at Courtyard Riverside, 1510 University Ave., Riverside 92507.

Capistrano Connections Academy describes itself as a "tuition-free, fully accredited virtual public school," for kindergartners through 12th-graders. It's chartered through the Capistrano Unified School District and accepts students from Riverside, San Bernardino and three other counties.

"Capistrano Connections Academy combines the expertise and accountability of public education, the strong parental involvement of schooling at home and the flexibility of technology-enhanced learning," its press materials say. The school says it offers a nontraditional education that works well for students who are either far ahead or behind in school or who require a flexible schedule.

During the information session parents can meet a teacher and check out the curriculum. Children are welcome. Refreshments will be served. For more information, call 800-382-6010 or see www.ConnectionsAcademy.com.

Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

Today is the 32nd Earth Day, a "holiday" born of the protest movement of the late 1960s when U.S. Sen. Gaylord Nelson, of Wisconsin, and U.S. Rep. Pete McCloskey, of California, organized a day of environmental demonstrations. Nelson felt compelled by the 1969 oil-drilling blowout and spill off the coast of Santa Barbara, Calif., an eerie precursor to the 2010 Deepwater Horizon disaster in the Gulf of Mexico.

Today's children might be oblivious to 20th-century politics, but by nature they are nature lovers. What kid doesn't love flowers, animals, rivers, oceans, forests, rocks, shells, and/or bugs?

If your child's the tree-hugger in your house, they probably already have an Earth Day to-do list for you. If you're the earthy-crunchy parent teaching your kids to care for Mother Earth, here are a few ways to encourage their love of nature and the environment:

For preschoolers, help them create a "Very Hairy Caterpillar" that demonstrates how seeds grow into grass. (Click here for detailed instructions.)

This Disney website suggests mixing potting soil and quick-growing grass seed, pouring it into an old knee-high hosiery sock, then placing hair elastics around the tube of seed-laden soil to create the caterpillar's sections. Soak in water, then place in a sunny spot. Soon the hosiery caterpillar will grow a thick green coat of grass. Watching this teaches young children the basics of plant biology: seeds plus soil plus water plus sun equals growth.

Grade-schoolers can also dabble in growing new plants. Try tin-can herb pots, explained in detail on Crafts.kaboose.com (For directions, click here .)

Basically this entails growing herb plants from their most tender starts into maturity in homemade pots, created from empty food cans. Parents may need to sand off any sharp edges around the open can rims, and punch holes in the bottom of the cans with a drill or hammer and nail. After that, kids can place gravel in the bottom of the cans, top it with potting soil and transplant young herb plants from nursery packs into the cans. Artsy types will enjoy decorating the cans.

"This project not only recycles, it creates new life," as CraftsKaboose points out. Plus, herbs are very hardy. After they're planted, kids can place them in a sunny spot, water occasionally and have the gratification of thriving plants that can handle a bit of neglect.

The blog CraftaholicsAnonymous.net offers instructions for making bottle-cap candles, a project that "upcycles" items that would normally land in the trash, including bottle caps and broken crayons. (Find the details by clicking here.)

Craftaholics Anonymous' "recipe" creates tiny, very cute candles by melting broken crayons in empty soup cans in a double boiler, then placing store-bought candle wicks into upside-down bottle caps before filling the caps with the melted wax. Tweens are capable of doing nearly this entire project without help from Mom or Dad (supervision or help is probably necessary when they're melting the crayons on the stovetop).

TipJunkie.com offers a long list of kid-friendly crafts and recipes tied to Earth Day, including a bird feeder, many of them appropriate for elementary- and middle-school-aged children. To view it, click here.

If your kids are teenagers who have outgrown cutesy crafts but not a save-the-planet mentality, consider letting them join Teens for Planet Earth, a social networking site for youth with a passion for environmental causes. (Click here to see its homepage.)

This network lets adolescents from around the world share information and ideas for environmental projects. It's also a forum for managing local projects (think community service credits); adults can join the site and serve as advisors. The site includes links to other green groups, such as Wildlife Conservation Society and Frogwatch USA sites. Members post comments and videos, establish and join groups dedicated to particular projects or causes, and the site is also a vehicle for gaining grants and awards for environmental efforts.

Are your children ardent environmentalists? Have you taught them to recycle, save water or turn off the lights when they leave a room? Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

Momarama reader Victoria Woodside emailed after reading Sunday's column and blog post about tying children's allowance payouts to their completion of chores.

Woodside wrote:

"We have a chore program that has thus far worked in our house. Each of our four children have what we call their normal chore routine. These are daily chores, such as cleaning up toys, making the bed, emptying wastebaskets, etc. and are chosen based on age and ability.

"We don't pay them for this. We equate it to my doing laundry or mowing the lawn. Those are just chores everyone needs to do and no one gets paid for it, including mom and dad.

"But we also have voluntary pay chores. These are optional chores that no one is assigned, but they can do for cash. These chores range in difficulty and cash advantage, such as sweeping the front porch to washing the car. By having both types of chores, our kids are learning about working for money and working 'just because you have to.' "

"This has worked well for us, but since our eldest is only 11, we haven't reached the teen years. We'll see."

Do you link your kids' allowance to their chores? Does that work well? Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Most of us watched in horror when a California female high school senior dropped out of school to move in with her teacher, who had recently left his wife and children. The couple appeared on a TV segment where the child/adult professed her love stating, "He is more than a lover to me."

The young girl's mother never gave up her attempts to bring the 41-year-old teacher to justice but since her daughter was now 18, no charges could be filed.

Last week the teacher was arrested for having sexual relations with a different high school student who was 17 at the time and the young woman who moved in with him left his home. Her decision to move in with her teacher resulted in dropping out of her senior year, estrangement from her family and putting herself in the fish bowl of public spectacle.

There are now bills being presented to make it illegal for a teacher to become romantically involved with a student. I have no idea what may happen in the California legislature but the idea is a good one. Protecting children and anyone under the influence of a person in authority makes common sense.

The age of consent changes from state to state and country to country. What doesn't change is the ability of a subordinate whether a student, employee or other individual who is under the guidance of another to choose freely if they are approached sexually.

In my profession, as a therapist, it is a crime to become romantically involved with a patient in our care. This was not the case when I started out but evolved over time. It is a good law although a flawed one. It is permissible for a psychotherapist to become romantically involved with a former patient if two years has passed from the time they had a therapist-client relationship. From my perspective, one of the problems with this law is that it keeps the door open for a therapist to date a client if both assert they had no contact for two years. It is problematic, to say the least, to enforce this.

A better and cleaner way to look at persons in positions of authority is to state clearly and unequivocally that they may not become romantically involved with a patient, student, subordinate or any other man or woman who is a participant in this unequal relationship.

In my estimation, teachers are every bit as much in positions of authority as are therapists, doctors or attorneys. To allow a professional to lure, entice, manipulate a client/student while they are acting as their instructor shows a poor understanding of how powerful it is to be in a position of authority in a relationship. This is one of many reasons why assisting young men and women who have been sexually victimized by adult relatives is such a long and difficult road.

Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

I knew this day would come eventually. But like so many other milestones with children, it snuck up so incredibly fast.

My oldest child just turned 13. I am the parent of a teenager.

Oh my.

My son is no longer a little kid, though he's definitely still more boy than adult. He's a gentle soul, eager to please and more than a little bit goofy. Son is young enough to need reminding about things like eating (meaning sometimes you have to turn off the computer long enough to fuel yourself) and brushing his teeth (meaning hasn't this become habit yet?), but old enough to be left home alone to babysit the dog. Or maybe the dog babysits the boy, but either way they enjoy some quiet time together that so far has not led to catastrophe. You couldn't expect that of a 6-year-old.

I see evidence of adolescence creeping in around the edges, though. For his birthday Son asked for a Minecraft account. I had no idea what that was. Sounded like a cross between a nuclear warhead and a Swiss bank fund. Son had to explain that Minecraft's an online game that lets players build all kinds of structures - so far he's created towers, castles, farms, whole villages - from virtual blocks, then defend them from destructive monsters. For a party, Son invited his friends to build rocket launchers from PVC pipe and shoot off paper rockets. He built the launchers himself and showed his friends how to make the rockets. I ordered a cake, sat back and watched. Orchestrating his own 13th birthday party is probably the most initiative Son has ever demonstrated, and I was impressed. (This is the kid who still doesn't grasp the concept of dental floss?) When Son isn't glued rapturously to the computer - Minecraft, YouTube "Star Wars" videos, it doesn't matter - he's absconding with my iPod. He's discovered the magic of music (good!), the ability to acquire practically any melody one desires via iTunes (good!) and the sheer fun of electronic gadgets (questionable), but not the discipline to save for his own iPod, because he still blows all his cash (bad!) on Legos. So lately when I retrieve my iPod I'm never sure what I'll find in its library. Much to my surprise, the last of Son's downloads was Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."

Definitely not a baby anymore.

Bracing myself for Son's puberty - barreling toward us like its own crazy train - I turned to Dr. Spock and his trusty childrearing bible. Thinking there must be a chapter in there summarizing the cognitive, emotional and behavioral changes we're likely to see soon in Son, I turned to the index, under "Adolescence." The sections listed there:

"Alcohol and other drugs; anticipatory guidance for parents (yes! - but wait, this section contains just two pages?); appetite increase; chores; clothing and hairdos; dating; defiance; diet; disobedience; drug abuse; emotional development; HIV and AIDS; identity problems; idealism; Mittelschmerz (now there's a quaint term - a true sign I've been parenting long enough to have a rather old edition of Dr. Spock); parents' divorce; parties and dating; pelvic inflammatory disease; physical changes; psychological changes; rebelliousness; risk-taking behaviors; rivalry with parents; school avoidance; separation from parents; sexuality; skin troubles; social changes; swearing; violence. See also 'Puberty.' "

After that list, why would I want to "see also 'Puberty?' "

Will my good-natured child morph into a Goth vandal? Will he binge drink and skip school? Will his hormones wreck his skin even as they finally goose his appetite enough that he'll consume more than 100 calories at a sitting? He's too distracted now by comic strips and "Hunger Games" - what a combination - to notice his shirt's on inside-out. What's going to happen when he discovers girls?

I put "Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care" back on the shelf, too intimidated to read further. I'll have to tackle "See also 'Puberty' " another day. Today I'm just enjoying this sweet spot we're in, this middle ground between childhood and adolescence, a time when Son is still shorter than I am, still initiates hugs, still has greater fascination for The Force than for females. By this time next week he might be riding the crazy train.

Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Perhaps the schmaltziest (iconic) Christmas movie of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life," starring James Stewart. It's impossible to spend a holiday season with relatives and not pass the TV to see Jimmy Stewart in glorious black and white finding out what his town might have experienced had he never lived.

In 2006 the American Film Institute named "It's a Wonderful Life" the most inspiring movie of all time. I'm a sucker for it every year. The symbolism of the message is a metaphor for much of the counseling I facilitate. All of us wonder about the impact our lives have on others and the consequences of our choices. Life doesn't get more primitive than this. It's a common thought of many to come back at own funeral and see what others might say about us.

Less dramatic but also common is to wonder or daydream what may happen to our families if we divorce. Despite the cheesy movies and books rolled out each year in Hollywood, relationships are hard work and most couples go through periods where they wonder if they would be better off alone.

So many of the men and women who are on the fence about whether or not to divorce say, "If I could just know what would happen if I left. If I could be certain that my kids would be all right, I would meet someone else and whether or not I'd be happy; then I'd leave in a heartbeat."

Sure, we'd all like a glimpse into the future, why not? Few of us get a do-over when it comes to divorce. Once a man or woman leaves their spouse and starts a new relationship, only to discover they long for what was -- by then it's usually too late to turn back the clock. Couples sometimes reconcile after breaking up, but the road back is never easy. It's probably reasonable to state once we leave, there is no turning back.

As a marriage counselor I would love to give people an "It's a Wonderful Life" look into their future if they divorce. It would be helpful to see the impact on ourselves, our mates, the kids should we take the plunge and leave. Hindsight is great, 20/20 in fact, but none of us gets this vantage point.

I'm not saying divorce is always wrong, not even close. Just that the consequences are impossible to predict. I speak to so many men and women who leave imagining the grass will be greener, only to remarry a person with so many of the traits they resented in the individual they left.

If we could learn, really learn, what went wrong and the part we played in the failure of our marriages, then perhaps remarriages wouldn't have such a high divorce rate. Unfortunately we tend to build a case against the person we are leaving, vilify and demonize them to justify moving out. And we also are prone to idealize or romanticize our new loves, blind to the faults and challenges ahead.

Because divorce affects so many more people than the husband and wife, I encourage all on-the-fence clients to try to peek into the future and imagine how their decision will change lives beyond their own.

Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

Filed your tax forms yet? (They're due tomorrow.) Having just wrapped up this annual chore, Hubby and I are extremely aware of our finances. So in recent days if one of our kids asked for money or a special purchase, they suffered the consequences of poor timing.

In theory, both kids should always have a bit of cash on hand. They're 13 and nearly 10 and get $5 in weekly allowance. Our new teen will probably get a raise soon, as the cash demands of adolescence hit. Strangely, despite frequent refrains of "I'm going to save my money for (fill-in-the-blank)..." they both spend money as fast as they get it, then claim poverty when they need cash for something, such as overdue fines at the library. I refuse to front them cash between allowance days, and on the rare occasions when they really must have money but don't, I lend it to them at 10 percent interest. I hope they'll eventually wise up and stash a bit of money away so they're never completely broke. It hasn't happened yet.

When Son and Daughter were 5 or 6 and first got allowance, Hubby and I debated whether to give this cash no-strings-attached or tie it to their chores - in other words, if they didn't take responsibility for certain tasks around the house, they wouldn't get the money. We decided that, while the chores are important, we wouldn't pay allowance for them. I believe the kids need to help out at home simply because they live here and are part of the family, and they shouldn't be paid for taking out the trash, making their beds or putting their clean laundry away (Lord knows I'm not).

Some days I wonder if that was the wrong policy. Chores naturally aren't their favorite activities, and they need reminders (threats?) as often as they remember on their own. If they knew they'd lose allowance for slacking, maybe chores would get done more promptly and consistently.

That's what Gregg Murset tells me. Murset is founder and CEO of My Job Chart, a free online tool that lets parents draft charts tracking their kids' household tasks and rewards. (To check it out, click here.) Murset's a financial planner with six kids, ages 5 to 14. He advocates making the connection in children's minds between work and money. I asked Murset how parents can best accomplish this.

Momarama: Should parents link children's allowance to household chores?

Murset: Getting something for doing nothing is a recipe for disaster when it comes to raising kids to learn about work and money. When you do something (household chores) you get something (money). When kids make this connection it's powerful and teaches them how to be responsible and work hard. The converse is true as well. No work, no money. They will understand this real fast!

Momarama: If tying allowance to household responsibilities is a good idea, what do you recommend parents do with very young children? Should, say, a 2-year-old be expected to do certain tasks and get a token allowance? Or does this system only work with older kids?

Murset: Start them early! Of course the chores need to be age-appropriate but kids need to be challenged and taught from a very early age to be responsible. As they grow older their responsibilities can change and the conversations around these concepts will change as well.

Momarama: How should parents handle it if a child decides the money's not worth the work? I'm thinking of rebellious teens or maybe unmotivated grade-schoolers who really, really don't like taking out the trash.) Should the parents be prepared to do these chores themselves?

Murset: It's all about incentivizing the child properly. Even a rebellious teenager who would rather watch his mom take out the trash then get off the couch can be incentivized properly. Maybe [the payoff] is time with friends, tickets to the movies or the all-important cell phone, but if they clearly understand that this street goes both ways, they will respond. Also, create some vision for them. Teach them about a college education in their future and how exciting it will be to attend college, learn more and fly on their own. That all takes money, so why not start saving now for those fun times ahead? Inspire them to help around the house and at the same time earn money for something important in their future! Teaching kids to save at an early age is huge -- really a lost art in our spend-spend-spend society.

Momarama: What is a reasonable amount for allowance and types of chores for kids of various ages? For example, a 6-, a 10-, a 13- and a 17-year-old?

Murset: Each family is different when it comes to amounts. Families must take into consideration their own budgets and what needs to be done around the house, then determine what works. If you are new to this whole chore thing you should start small. A shorter list of chores at the beginning and smaller dollar amounts will turn into a longer list and bigger dollars if done properly. It's also natural that as a child ages their needs and wants become more expensive.

Momarama: If a family does not link allowance to chores, is it appropriate to withhold allowance if a child fails to do the tasks they're responsible for? And are there other appropriate ways for a kid to earn some extra money around the house if they want to save faster than their allowance would accumulate?

Murset: There are definitely things that should be done around the house just because you live there. Don't compensate kids for picking up their own shoes or hanging up their backpack after school! But there are good ways to inspire them to want to do more, and that's by linking their performance to their compensation. Just doling out money for doing nothing is trouble. The entitlement mentality in kids is bad news. When adults go to work they have to perform to be paid. Why not start preparing children to understand that concept early on? The most natural and effective place to do that is in the home.

Do you tie allowance to household tasks? Share your ideas on blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com, the Momarama page on Facebook, or by sending an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

Momarama reader Mary Carricaburu gave me a tongue-lashing after reading the April 10 column, about encouraging children to eat nutritious foods. (To see the online blog version, click here.)

She felt my reluctance to let my kids eat junk food at a party was going too far.

Carricaburu wrote:

"I couldn't believe what you wrote in your April 10th article. You wouldn't let your children have hot dogs and mac-and-cheese at a party? Especially when all of the other children were having them? What a wonderful way to have your children promise themselves that when they get out from under your thumb they will eat whatever they want.

"Not only that, I think it is sort of cruel. What is wrong with a hot dog or mac-n-cheese once in a while? Will it kill them? Children desperately want to be like other kids. You sure helped make others feel sorry for them and by doing that you put so called 'healthy food' in a bad light. I think you need to lighten up.

"I raised my children on healthy food, did all of my own canning and freezing. I made everything from scratch, but if it was a party or picnic, I let them splurge. What a self-righteous, mean mommy you were at that picnic."

Carricaburu is right in that occasional junk food, especially during a special event or party, isn't going to hurt anyone. And apparently Tuesday's column implied that I forbade my kids from eating hot dogs and mac-n-cheese at a big event. Actually, on the occasion I was thinking of, I did let them go ahead and eat the not-so-nutritious "kid" food that was being dished up for other children at the same event, even though I would've preferred they eat the healthier fare that was being prepared for the adults -- and that they expected to eat before learning there was "kid food" in the works.

I've seen this happen with my kids before -- they accept the idea of eating whatever reasonably healthy food the adults will eat (because that's our routine at home), then getting sidetracked by nutrionally horrendous "kid-friendly" food that somebody prepares on the assumption that the kidds in the group will reject the grownup meal. On this particular occasion, the reason it irritated me was that the evening was part of an extended weeklong event when my kids had already downed plenty of junk food. I felt that an opportunity to get a nutritious meal into them for a change was sabotaged by the other adults who felt they had to feed empty-calorie items to the other kids in the group. But Carricaburu's right; freaking out and banning the junk food in the middle of a special event probably causes more problems than it solves.

When we talked about this via email, Carricaburu passed along a great tip she used to encourage her own kids, now adults, to eat vegetables:

"We always feed everyone, adults and children, the same food. I remember when my girls were teenagers and I would throw parties for them, I had an antique bread bowl that was a long, curved, wooden dish. I filled it with crushed ice and put cherry tomatoes, celery, carrot sticks, olives and other vegetables on the ice. That food would go like hotcakes. I was always filling it up. My oldest daughter has the bowl now and does the same for her teenager's parties."

What do you do to encourage healthy eating habits in your children? Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Very depressing article in last week's newspaper about the budget crunch eliminating up to 20 percent of community college class offerings.

Community colleges in California were the safety net that allowed students who could not afford or were not able to enroll in four-year univerisites to still matriculate and go on to get their college degrees. Now that assurance has an asterisk that reads: "You can still go to a community college but there is no guarantee you will be able to get the classes you need to transfer to a four-year or get your associate's degree."

It was a well researched article, complete with graphs depicting the cuts to operating budgets for Riverside, Mt. San Jacinto and San Bernardino community colleges. The last bar graph showed the dip in the number of classes offered. The text of the article quoted students who needed just one class to graduate being denied and having to wait and hope for the class over this summer or into next year.

It is problematic enough to keep our young people hopeful when the "New York Post" wrote that 85 percent of college graduates are returning home to live with their parents. The Post article had a quote from a young man with a degree from Vanderbilt, one of the nation's most prestigious universities. If a young man or woman with a degree from Vanderbilt can't get a job, what does that say for the prospects of a graduate from Cal State Fullerton or UC Riverside?

I am not writing this article to make worried parents and students more depressed; there is more than enough doom and gloom around for everyone to get a migraine. What I am underscoring is when a young adult states "It's no big deal if I get Cs or Ds in high school because I can always go to RCC or Mt. San Jacinto," those days may be coming to an end. Yes, they can enroll, but it may be like the house of mirrors at the amusement park -- getting out is another thing altogether.

I was always proud of California's three-tier college system: community colleges, state colleges and the UC system. For most of my life there was always a way for a motivated student to get a college degree. I would confront those who said college was only for the few and the privileged with the statement, "Not exactly true. If you want to you can start at a junior college, transfer to a four-year and get your degree while working at the same time. Mostly you are coming up with excuses."

Although this statement is still mostly true, it has lost a lot of its wallop. A young man or woman can still work their way through college, even starting out with mediocre grades, but to do so in today's economy may take years longer. Settling for Cs and Ds in high school just took on a more ominous outook for the future.

Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA MOM-IN-CHIEF

Pediatrician Dr. William Sears, who wrote "The Baby Book" and many more, urges training children to eat a nutritious diet, starting young.

Easier said than done. Toddlers are notoriously picky. But Sears, in talks and his 2009 book "N.D.D. - Nutrition Deficit Disorder," offers strategies for encouraging tykes to favor fruit over fries.

The preschool years are those of the "White Diet," when it seems children refuse to eat anything except mac-n-cheese and Cheerios. But too often parents cave to these preferences, sometimes fearing a kid will literally refuse to eat anything else, and more often because they don't want to deal with the whining and power struggles that can accompany efforts to coax anything green into their little tyrants' mouths.

I recall several occasions when my children were 6 or 7 when we were with a large group. My kids, one a voracious foodie, the other a super-picky food-phobe, were prepared to eat the same meal being served to the adults (chicken or fish, salad, some fruit and dessert) - that is, until they learned there were hot dogs and mac-n-cheese in the works for the other children. As soon as they got wind of the alternative menu, they refused to eat the healthier fare.

It's easier to pick up nuggets and be done with dinner without the coaxing, negotiation and possibly bribery involved in getting, say, fish and carrots into a 4-year-old. But as Sears says, if parents always cater to toddler whims, Junior will never learn to eat anything but the White Diet (which, followed regularly, makes them fat and sick). In the brief minutes when my kids lined up for grilled chicken and veggies before hearing about those hot dogs, I realized that they really had learned to accept healthy food - it's just that our culture tends to sabotage good eating habits by assuming that very young children simply can't develop any.

To instill decent eating habits while kids are young, Sears recommends:

Kid-friendly words. Call healthy tidbits "fun food" - broccoli "trees," carrot "sticks," orange "wheels." Label nutritious items "soccer food," or "tall food!" (I.e., you'll run faster at soccer if you eat turkey and broccoli instead of soda and fries.)

Play "Red Light, Green Light" with food: Green-light foods (fruit, vegetables, lean protein and whole grains) mean "go for it." Yellow-light fare (100 percent fruit juices, ice cream) require moderation. Red-light foods are no-nos due to their saturated fats, sugars, salt and artificial ingredients. Soda and hot dogs? Definitely red-light foods.

Sears urges parents to bring kids grocery shopping. Admittedly that sounds torturous. Sears suggests making the task faster by shopping only the perimeter of the store, not interior aisles where the more processed, junky foods are typically stocked. Tell Junior you're sticking to the produce section because "this is where the 'grow foods' are." Point out the soda aisle with a low, ominous voice: "That aisle we just don't go down." Why? "That's where the red-light foods are!"

Get a steady dose of fruit and veggies into a toddler with a "nibble tray" set up each morning. Sears says: Fill a compartmentalized dish or ice-cube tray with cut-up fruits and veggies. Leave the tray out and don't say anything about it. By day's end, the child will eat the contents. A variety of color and texture is good, and the point is solid nutrition, so don't use macaroni and fruit leather. Try: chopped cucumber, baby carrots, peas, cut-up grapes, melon, banana, kiwi, beans, chopped hard-boil eggs, and maybe hummus or yogurt as a dip.

How do you get your toddler to eat healthy fare? Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.