November 2011 Archives

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOM-IN-CHARGE

If your kid struggles with a medical problem, does that make you a bad parent?
Cleveland, Ohio's social services department says yes. It took an obese 8-year-old into custody, arguing that the boy's mother hadn't done enough to help the child lose weight - and that that failure constitutes neglect.

You can read some of the news coverage by clicking here.

The medical establishment and the media have drawn much attention to the rampant obesity problem in America, with good reason. Extreme excess weight contributes to a scary list of chronic illnesses. The fact that our children are getting so fat is particularly alarming. If a kid, who doesn't have to sit in a cubicle all day and has the revved-up metabolism necessary for rapid growth, can't keep off excess weight, something's seriously wrong.

That said, it's notoriously difficult to lose weight, even for a child. I don't know what this particular family has or hasn't done to help the boy. The whole family would probably have to overhaul its lifestyle to encourage positive results - banishing junk food from the house, getting away from the TV and walking or biking together, finding healthy ways to prepare veggies so the kids will learn to like them, etc. It's not easy or fast and ultimately, no parent can control everything their kid eats.

But even assuming the Cleveland mother didn't take all those steps, does that justify tearing a child from his family? What's to prevent government from doing the same with a kid who's too skinny? Or whose asthma is out of control? Or whose parents and doctor haven't found precisely the right way to manage a child's ADD?

Do you have a child with an ongoing health problem? How do you teach them to manage it? And has anyone ever suggested that your child's health is a barometer of your competency as a parent?

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOM-IN-CHARGE

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only mom out there who's had to manage her kids' management of household chores! So far, puppy duty has worked out pretty well - but we're only on Day 3 of dog ownership, so the novelty is still working in my favor.

The person who got stuck with the most difficult pet-related task so far is my husband. The first night we had the puppy, he cried pitifully when it was time for lights out (the dog, not Hubby) and we put him in his crate and headed off to bed. Hubby went downstairs to comfort the pooch. I thought the idea was to calm the dog, then return to bed. He ended up spending the night on the couch - with puppy curled up beside him! Uh-oh, that's the road to some serious spoiling.

We got tougher last night and decided to let the dog cry it out, like teaching a baby to sleep through the night. Fortunately, Dog stopped whimpering in a few minutes and we all got a decent night's sleep. When Son got up at 6:30 a.m. to be ready for school, though, Dog was completely recharged. Once out of the crate he zoomed around in a love frenzy. Not the quietest start to the day. I may have to task Son with the job of getting Dog's wiggles out before 7 a.m.

FROM DR. MOM:
I had similar concerns about getting a dog.

We now have two, and the best investment I made was taking the dogs to training classes - and making the kids go, too.

The kids and dogs bonded, they all learned new tricks, and we enjoy having well-behaved dogs.

I still have to remind the kids to do the dog work, but they are more invested in the dogs and tend to follow through without too much complaint. Now if only the children were as well-trained as the dogs.

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DEAR MOMARAMA:
We too had dogs and as with you it mostly landed on me. So I made a spreadsheet with each child's name and placed it on the fridge. Every week the names would rotate in order.

The chores were dishes, feed and pick up dog poop, and cut the grass.

No one could complain because it rotated weekly.

It was also tied to their allowance.

If they failed to do the assigned chore on any given day, they lost part of their allowance. They were allowed to trade with one another if need be, but they had to work it out and put it on the spreadsheet.

It worked out well and no one felt overly put upon.

They also cleaned their own bathrooms and if it was not to my specs (thinking I would not make them do it anymore) they got to do it twice.

There will always be more that falls on one person, nothing is 50/50. Sometimes it's the little things that help. And trust me there was plenty of yelling in our household.

Best of luck, Theresa

To join the conversation, post a comment here or send an email to features@pe.com

The Department of Music of La Sierra University will present is annual Christmas Candlelight Concert on Friday at the La Sierra University Church at 4937 Sierra Vista Ave. in Riverside. The concert begins at 7:30 p.m. and will highlight much of the university's student and faculty musical talent.

The concert will feature the University Chorale; the University Chamber Singers; the Women's and Men's Chorus; Bella Voce; Dr. Raejin Lee, Soprano; the Brass Quintet; Dr. Kimo Smith, organ; the Saxophone Quartet; and the La Sierra University Orchestra.

And in another lively concert, La Sierra University's Big Band, under the direction of Dr. Ken Narducci, will deliver a toe tappin,' finger snappin' show Dec. 10 at Hole Memorial Auditorium on the university campus at 4500 Riverwalk Parkway in Riverside.

The La Sierra University Big Band Concert will feature "Rippin' and Runnin' by Gordon Goodwin," "Country Road" by James Taylor, "Jive Samba" by Nat Adderly as well as a variety of holiday tunes, such as "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," " Let It Snow," "Jingle Bells" and more.

The show starts at 7 p.m. and is free and open to the public. For more information, call 951-785-2036 or visit www.lasierra.edu.

I never had a dog growing up - probably because my mom felt the same way about taking on yet one more duty. She already had four kids and an ailing mother to care for, and a pet just would have added to the craziness.

There are a lot of great Nutcracker productions in the Inland region each year. Inland Pacific Ballet's "The Nutcracker," opens Saturday at Bridges Auditorium in Claremont.

Inland Pacific Ballet is celebrating its 17th season, and will bring more than 100 dancers on stage for the holiday production. "The Nutcracker" tells the story of a young girl named Clara who receives a magical nutcracker doll on Christmas Eve, and then sets out on a magical journey to the Land of the Snow and the Kingdom of Sweets.

There are toy soldiers, life-sized dancing dolls, battling mice, dancing snowflakes, waltzing flowers the Sugar Plum Fairy. Cast members are available after each performance for photos and autographs.

The auditorium is located at 450 N. College Way in Claremont. Tickets cost $36-$38 for adults and $18 to 21 for children and seniors. For more information call 909-607-1139 or visit www.ipballet.org.

BY MAURA AMMENHEUSER
MOMARAMA'S MOM-IN-CHIEF

As you read this, it's possible our new puppy is chewing my shoes, soiling the carpet or whining while I try to meet a deadline.

It's also possible that he's napping peacefully in his crate, amusing himself batting a toy around the kitchen or waiting patiently by the front door for my children to return from school.

Please God, let it be the latter.

After 15 years of marriage and winning many battles, I finally lost the dog war. Hubby's wanted a dog all this time. My biggest objection has been fear that the doggy work will fall to me.
I'm a stay-at-home mom, but have more chores than I can handle already.

I resent that nothing in the house - not the kitchen floor, the toilets, the cars or even the kids' teeth, for crying out loud - ever gets cleaned unless (a) I clean it, (b) I nag somebody else to clean it or (c) nag somebody else to clean it, then go check whether it actually got cleaned, then yell at the slacker who clearly didn't clean it regardless of my nagging, then issue punishment to the slacker, then do at least half the cleaning chore myself while the punished slacker is throwing a hissy fit.

Hubby and slackers - oops, I mean my children - swear they will take on all dog-related chores. According to a poll of my stay-at-home mom friends, I can expect one of two outcomes. Either Hubby and Kids will in fact, out of sheer love for the dog, miraculously, cheerfully and without nagging by me perform all dog work (walking, poop-scooping, feeding, watering, grooming, etc.).

Don't laugh. I have several friends who said their kids -same ages as mine - really do care for their dogs as a matter of routine.

The other predicted outcome: Hubby and Kids will gladly perform all dog work until the novelty of having a pet wears off. The moment the dog needs something (a) unexpected, (b) unpleasant or (c) at a time when I'm the only one home (which, for five hours a day, five days a week, I am), the dog-related task will most definitely become my responsibility. I've warned Hubby that if the dog gets sick at 11 a.m. I will summon him from work, 40 miles away, to take the pooch to the vet. Hubby said I have a bad attitude.

Hey, whenever our kids have come home sick from school, it's always been my job to drop everything to run to the pediatrician. I agreed to have children. I was outvoted on the dog. I think putting Hubby Who Wants Dog So Badly permanently on-call for the vet is perfectly fair.

In the weeks between buying the dog and picking it up from the breeder, Hubby's been emailing me photos of the puppy, a Bichon, white and fluffy with a sweet little pink tongue and a happily wagging tail. You just want to reach into the photo and scoop him up for a snuggle. I know what Hubby's doing. I am not fooled. I'm OK with the puppy love. Retreiving Hubby's iPhone from the puppy's teething little mouth is still not my job.

So how do parents ensure kids live up to the responsibility of pet ownership (and in my case, that my spouse does), without lots of resentful nagging? Is one of us going to be forever in the doghouse? Or will the puppy lead us to a state of permanent, pet-induced familial bliss?

Post your comments here or send email to features@pe.com (place MOMARAMA in the subject field, please).

By MITCHELL ROSEN
Licensed marriage and family counselor

I understand individuals feel strongly about their religion.

A person's faith helps define them growing up and provides fellowship when times are tough. Some feel it is a mistake to marry a partner who does not share the same religion.

As a marriage counselor I disagree. It is a mistake to wed an individual who has different morals and values. The rituals, building of worship, the name used for God and history of one's faith does not lead to divorce as often as incompatible values.

It is understandable marrying a person of similar culture and religion is one more thing in common. All things being equal marrying a person from the same neighborhood, education, culture and religion would tip the odds in favor of increased understanding.
However the key here is the phrase 'all things being equal'.

Things are not equal when two people of the same faith have wildly different beliefs about right and wrong, what is moral and what is immoral. They may have attended the same church, synagogue or mosque but if the person's sense of morality is substantially off from their partner the chances of their marriage lasting are poor.

When I do marriage counseling, the issue of differing faiths comes up often. The husband or wife will demand their partner converts so the kids will be raised in one faith. In these situations it is certainly possible the man or woman who wishes their partner would convert has their heart in the right place but they are missing the bigger picture. What a person calls themselves does not make them stand for anything.

The analogy I would draw is when interracial couples marry. Should an African-American become Caucasian or a Caucasian become Asian? It's silly, of course. Couldn't happen and does not need to happen. Diversity is a good thing not an obstacle unless we define it as such.

I have counseled many couples where one has gone through religious training and converted to the religion of their spouse. Years later there may be an episode of infidelity, compulsive gambling or drug abuse.

Divorce ensues.

Changing the religion did not preclude these behaviors.

Labels rarely have significance.

That is why when a person insists on telling me in therapy again and again what their religion might be, I wonder why this is so important. Usually a person's faith is personal and the need to reiterate and pronounce oneself as a Christian, Buddhist or Jew for example, does not lead to increased understanding.

How an individual behaves when facing temptation or adversity defines their character much more than any label.

There is nothing wrong with being proud of one's culture or religion.

In some ways letting others know can be an expedient way of educating others what is important. In reality, however, it rarely matters what a person calls themselves, it is our behavior that defines us.

BY MITCHELL ROSEN
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Now that Thanksgiving is over and we have all munched on turkey, turkey sandwiches and finally turkey omelets, looking at this past weekend can be a time of reflection. Many of us were fortunate enough to be with family and off work for a few days.

For the workaholics among us this can be uncomfortable. Americans are one of the few cultures that discourage vacations or time off from work. Europeans typically look at our work schedule and think we are crazy. It would be hard to argue the point. No one on their death bed has ever uttered the words, "I wish I would have spent more time at work and less with my family."

The challenge for many Americans this year will be to figure out what exactly what we are grateful for. In the Inland Empire unemployment is still in double digits with no end in sight. The number of children without health insurance is skyrocketing and more and more generations are forced to move in with one another to survive.

I'm not saying, "Let's see that big smile! Wipe off that frown and hug one another." If I were this sophomoric chances are somebody would smack me and I wouldn't blame them. What I am suggesting is the inability to be grateful is a significant sign of depression. It's fine if you hate the holidays and think Black Friday sales are a mutant form of capitalism run amok. But if any of us looks inside and finds it impossible to see anything to be grateful for there is a problem.

Understandably this holiday season will have a record number of sick and unemployed. These situations do not motivate a person to put their hands together and say, "Thank you God for putting my family on the streets or making it impossible to buy the medicine my child needs to be without pain."

Usually when families go around the table and each expresses what they are grateful for, health, family and having a home leads the list. To be honest there will be millions in our country who cannot truthfully state they are appreciative of good health or a place to live (at least a place of their own).

That pretty much leaves those who are battling adversity with relationships and family as their only source of solace. It is a peculiar loneliness experiencing others stating their good fortune and inwardly feeling resentful or cheated.

Yes, we are happy for the good fortune of those we love but when our personal sense is whoever was handing out luck was asleep when it came to our name; in this situation the struggle is not only with adversity but 'why me?'

I'm not saying go find someone to cheer you up. When adversity comes not in droplets but buckets, finding hopefulness is elusive. The first step may be to share with those who do care. Not because others have magic answers but to understand our relationships have always defined the quality of our lives.

After you finish your holiday shopping Friday, head on over to Downtown Riverside for the opening night of the Festive of Lights. The festivities start at 3 p.m. and the lights being switched on at 5:15 p.m.

If you're at home, or on your mobile unit, log in to PE.com for live streaming video of the "switch on."

The festival will feature an ice rink, live holiday entertainment, seasonal vendors and Santa, of course. There will also be Dickensian Carolers, a reindeer, horse-drawn carriages and hundreds of characters dressed in 17th Century costumes to entertain the crowds.

But the stars of the festival are the three and a half million twinkling lights decorating the historic Mission Inn. The open reception will also have some fireworks to celebrate.

3 p.m. Friday, Mission Inn, 3649 Mission Inn Avenue, Riverside, free. Visit www.riversideca.gov/fol for more information.

BY MITCHELL ROSEN
Licensed marriage and family therapist

The holidays are supposed to be a time for family. Mom and dad have a giant feast and at the table are grandpa and grandma, all the kids and cousins, with aunts and uncles galore. By the time the pumpkin pie is served, those relatives over the age of 50 are snoozing on the Barcoloungers. The kids are up in their rooms playing games and the adults are holding their stomachs vowing not to gain another 15 pounds before Jan. 1.

This is the scene I grew up with. Right out of a Norman Rockwell painting. The only thing I forgot to add was Fido lying in front of the blazing fire. Now if we fast forward to 2011 the divorce rate has climbed from 25 percent to 50 percent, and not too many families fit nicely on the iconic Rockwell easel.

Instead we have dinner at mom's house with her family and dessert at dad's house with his family. Kids are still upstairs in their rooms playing games but instead of changing into their pajamas and settling in for the night they are watching the clock to see how much longer before the other parent honks their arrival.

The new traditions seem to be seeped in acrimony. Replacing the relatives slipping the kids a few bucks with a "don't tell your parents nod," grandma and grandpa are stoking the divorce fires by badmouthing the absent parent and lecturing the kids how they ought to show more loyalty to the parent who really loves them.

In my day, grandparents were like Switzerland. They stayed neutral, and both sides knew the kids had a safe haven from the pettiness and meanness of back and forth fighting. Now it seems about half the grandparents get it that they can be a safety net for kids by staying above the fray, but the other half somehow have decided it is their place to advocate for their son or daughter at the expense of the former spouse.

I speak with a lot of children trying to navigate the holidays after a divorce, and the ones who have neutral grandparents are truly grateful. For those whose grandparents attempt to sway and influence, the children are not grateful, they are filled with resentment. They hear the vitriol from mom and dad all year long, and when they hear it from relatives, too, their young minds want to explode.

I always thought being an elder statesman or woman meant your advice was seen as sage and others looked toward you for guidance. Grandparents still have an opportunity to be a safety net for their grandkids if they understand how important their neutrality can be. With Thanksgiving and Christmas the youngsters will have more than enough of the badmouthing between parents, and if the grandparents can pull them aside to hug them instead of lecturing it just may be possible for these young people to make it through the holidays.

Share your thoughts by posting a meesage here or sending an email to features@pe.com. Please place MOMARAMA in the subject field.

The Riverside Robotics Society will host the Robot Expo 2011 at the Riverside Woodcrest Library.

The day will feature a life-size Wall-E, R2D2 and The Lost in Space Robot, plus exhibits of other favorite TV and movie robots. There will also be robot races, robot soccer and a Build-A-Bot robot building workshop.

The goal of the society and expo is to get kids interested in the math, science and engineering that goes into robotics.

The Riverside Robot Expo 2011 will be at the Woodcrest Library, next Saturday Nov. 19 from noon to 4 p.m. The event is free.

For more information, visit www.meetup.com/The-Riverside-Robotics-Society.

Follow the yellow brick road again - this time with your own kids - at the upcoming production of "The Wizard of Oz" at the California Theatre of the Performing Arts in San Bernardino. Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion will tell the colorful musical story of the Wizard of Oz on stage Nov. 22 and 23.

The classic songs "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" and "We're Off to See the Wizard" will be featured, as well as the well-known characters, Glinda the Good Witch and the Munchkins.

The story is based on the 1900 novel, "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" and the 1939 film with Judy Garland, Ray Bolger, Jack Hayley, Bert Lahr and Frank Morgan.
Tickets cost $38.50 to $77.50. For more information call 909-885-5152.

Families with special needs are invited to enjoy a Day Out with Thomas on Friday from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.

Pre-registration is required. Activities begin at the Temecula Civic Center. Tickets cost $18 per person and include a chartered bus ride to the Orange Empire Railway Museum, a train ride with Thomas the Tank Engine and a variety of Thomas & Friends-themed entertainment.

To register or for more information, call 951-694-6480.

Christian Arts Theatre will perform "All Shook Up" one more weekend at the Corona Civic Center. The ode to the King of Rock and Roll opened last Friday and has four more shows - 7 p.m. tonight, 2 and 7 p.m. Saturday and 2 p.m. Sunday.

"All Shook Up" is a musical comedy written around Elvis Presley hits. The storyline follows young Natalie, a small town auto mechanic who dreams of love and adventure. She meets Chad when his bike breaks down, but he sees only a grubby, talented mechanic. Natalie resorts to drastic measures to win Chad's heart, turning the town upside down with revelations of love, new love and unrequited love.

Tunes in the show include "Hound Dog," Teddy Bear," "Love Me Tender" and more.
Tickets cost $15 for adults; $13 for seniors, students and children. For more information call 951-279-2298 or visit www.catcorona.org.

Celebrate the beauty of nature at the annual Wildlife Art Festival, coming soon to the San Bernardino County Museum.

The 29th annual festival, "Art and the natural world," will be at the museum from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Nov. 19 and from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Nov. 20. Visitors can meet wildlife artists, including the featured artist, Rob Sutton. Artwork will be available for purchase, and vendors will have wildlife art goods for sale.

The top entries from the Federal Duck Stamp competition will be on display, and there will be a variety of art and nature activities for the family. One-hour Children's Art Workshops ($5 per child ages 8 and older) will run from 9:45 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Nov. 19 from 9:45 a.m. to 3:45 p.m. on Sunday.

The museum is located at 2024 Orange Tree Lane, in Redlands. Admission to the Wildlife Art Festival costs $8 for adults; $6 for seniors and military; $5 for students; $4 for children ages 5 to 12; and is free for children under 5 and Museum Association members.

The Lake Elsinore Outlets' Kids Outlet has a variety of fall-themed crafts going on throughout the month. Kids activities take place from 11 a.m. to noon Wednesdays and 10:30 to11:30 a.m. Fridays. Today's activity is an "Under the Sea" Sun Catcher Craft. On Wednesday, there's Story Time With the Lake Elsinore Library.

Kids and parents can play with multiple percussion instruments at "One World Rhythm" on Nov. 11. Story Time with the Lake Elsinore Library will take place again Nov. 16; and there's a Turkey Coaster Craft on Nov. 18.

Story Time with the Lake Elsinore Library takes place again Nov. 23 and 30. There isn't a Kids Outlet activity Nov. 25 because it's crazy holiday shopping day - Black Friday.