BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST
Often when men and women start new relationships their partner comes with baggage.
"Baggage" is one of those trendy terms everyone knows but has absolutely no psychological value. Usually "baggage" refers to a former spouse or partner - as in, "Hey, I'm a great catch but my ex is a nightmare."
When I'm facilitating relationship counseling and the man or woman speaks extensively and negatively about their current mate's former partner, it's a warning. Especially when they use words like "she was a b***h" or "he was emotionally selfish." I'm thinking, how do they know this? Did they talk with this person, go to high school with them or work in the same office? Usually the answer is no, and often they have never even met. But they speak with such certainty: "My love is a wonderful person and deserves a medal for putting up with that #%&#!"
I understand that individuals don't break off relationships with people they get along with and admire, at least not typically, but to speak excessively about how awful their last choice was and pass this along to the current one is not a great sign.
Kind of like the adage, "Don't speak poorly of your old boss when applying for a job because your prospective employer will think, 'If they say that about their old boss, what will say about me?' "
A man or woman who bashes their ex and goes on and on is probably missing this part of the equation: Most of us pick mates who are as healthy or messed up as we are. It's also not an encouraging characteristic if one's new mate not only joins the bashing-ex bandwagon but is a major cheerleader.
Most of us have had relationships that for a variety of reasons did not sustain. Could be we were too young, went away to college, fell in love with someone else, the list is endless. But if the reason, after five, 10 or 15 years, is because you were with a sociopath or total user it says more about you than the other person.
I had a friend who was a child custody evaluator. I was trying to explain how difficult it was to believe a wonderful and giving individual would marry such a depraved miscreant. She looked at me and said, "I know, Madonna doesn't marry the Pope." Kind of cut to the heart of the matter and she was right.
So anyone who believes they are dating or marrying a person who deserves a special place in heaven for putting up with their former spouse is going to find out their current love has issues as well, probably as many as their ex, only different ones. To pretend otherwise is not only naïve but setting yourself up for disappointment.
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