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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

I've had men and women come into my office and state before a psychotherapy session starts, "I want to let you know that my children are with a sitter so if my cell phone rings and it's my kids, I need to answer it." Others will announce, "I've been trying to get ahold of a business client and there is chance he or she may call during our session. It is an extremely important call and I may step out if they ring."

Each of these statements is appreciated. What is less understandable is when an individual has their phone ring, they check the number and just start talking. Unless you are a neurosurgeon on call, a parent with responsibility for children or have previously scheduled a potential call of importance, picking up the phone and just talking is a behavior that didn't exist 20 years ago.

Before call waiting, voice mail and the advent of cellular phones, Americans were content to do their socializing when not interacting with others. Now it is the norm and it is not a positive observation for men and women to stop a conversation and begin another without even saying, "Excuse me," "I'll just be a minute" or "This is the reason I am behaving poorly."

During family counseling I have been in the position of asking adults and adolescents to please turn off their cell phones. I know when a petulant adolescent is texting during a therapy session someone has dropped the ball on manners and civility. It has become diagnostic, meaning an opportunity for therapists to assess parenting by observing how parents manage cell phone behavior for themselves and their kids during counseling.

I've had children explaining to their parents, with tears in their eyes, why they feel sad or alone in their lives. In the middle of a heartfelt statement, when most moms and dads would be riveted to their child, some parents end the opportunity and switch to answering an unknown cell call. My heart aches for the child.

Few of us have business so important we need to suspend a conversation and start a new one mid-sentence. I've seen therapists check their phones during a session and actually excuse themselves to take the call. The only way this is not the epitome of arrogance and insensitivity would be if the counselor announced they might need to take a sensitive call and apologize in advance. I'll do this if I am on call for court testimony, but it is announced before the session begins with an apology and assurance no time will be taken from the person in my office.

I don't know where we as a society lost the notion that all persons deserve respect, but the cell phone quickly lets me know if I matter. I don't know if the pendulum will swing the other way but I recognize more and more educators, spouses and family members are letting it be known if they are in a conversation they expect to have eye contact and response until it ends.

Join the conversation at blogs.inlandsocal.com/moms, PE.com or Momarama's page on Facebook. Or send an email to pe.momarama@yahoo.com. Momarama shares readers' emailed comments with their permission.

BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Most of us watched in horror when a California female high school senior dropped out of school to move in with her teacher, who had recently left his wife and children. The couple appeared on a TV segment where the child/adult professed her love stating, "He is more than a lover to me."

The young girl's mother never gave up her attempts to bring the 41-year-old teacher to justice but since her daughter was now 18, no charges could be filed.

Last week the teacher was arrested for having sexual relations with a different high school student who was 17 at the time and the young woman who moved in with him left his home. Her decision to move in with her teacher resulted in dropping out of her senior year, estrangement from her family and putting herself in the fish bowl of public spectacle.

There are now bills being presented to make it illegal for a teacher to become romantically involved with a student. I have no idea what may happen in the California legislature but the idea is a good one. Protecting children and anyone under the influence of a person in authority makes common sense.

The age of consent changes from state to state and country to country. What doesn't change is the ability of a subordinate whether a student, employee or other individual who is under the guidance of another to choose freely if they are approached sexually.

In my profession, as a therapist, it is a crime to become romantically involved with a patient in our care. This was not the case when I started out but evolved over time. It is a good law although a flawed one. It is permissible for a psychotherapist to become romantically involved with a former patient if two years has passed from the time they had a therapist-client relationship. From my perspective, one of the problems with this law is that it keeps the door open for a therapist to date a client if both assert they had no contact for two years. It is problematic, to say the least, to enforce this.

A better and cleaner way to look at persons in positions of authority is to state clearly and unequivocally that they may not become romantically involved with a patient, student, subordinate or any other man or woman who is a participant in this unequal relationship.

In my estimation, teachers are every bit as much in positions of authority as are therapists, doctors or attorneys. To allow a professional to lure, entice, manipulate a client/student while they are acting as their instructor shows a poor understanding of how powerful it is to be in a position of authority in a relationship. This is one of many reasons why assisting young men and women who have been sexually victimized by adult relatives is such a long and difficult road.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Perhaps the schmaltziest (iconic) Christmas movie of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life," starring James Stewart. It's impossible to spend a holiday season with relatives and not pass the TV to see Jimmy Stewart in glorious black and white finding out what his town might have experienced had he never lived.

In 2006 the American Film Institute named "It's a Wonderful Life" the most inspiring movie of all time. I'm a sucker for it every year. The symbolism of the message is a metaphor for much of the counseling I facilitate. All of us wonder about the impact our lives have on others and the consequences of our choices. Life doesn't get more primitive than this. It's a common thought of many to come back at own funeral and see what others might say about us.

Less dramatic but also common is to wonder or daydream what may happen to our families if we divorce. Despite the cheesy movies and books rolled out each year in Hollywood, relationships are hard work and most couples go through periods where they wonder if they would be better off alone.

So many of the men and women who are on the fence about whether or not to divorce say, "If I could just know what would happen if I left. If I could be certain that my kids would be all right, I would meet someone else and whether or not I'd be happy; then I'd leave in a heartbeat."

Sure, we'd all like a glimpse into the future, why not? Few of us get a do-over when it comes to divorce. Once a man or woman leaves their spouse and starts a new relationship, only to discover they long for what was -- by then it's usually too late to turn back the clock. Couples sometimes reconcile after breaking up, but the road back is never easy. It's probably reasonable to state once we leave, there is no turning back.

As a marriage counselor I would love to give people an "It's a Wonderful Life" look into their future if they divorce. It would be helpful to see the impact on ourselves, our mates, the kids should we take the plunge and leave. Hindsight is great, 20/20 in fact, but none of us gets this vantage point.

I'm not saying divorce is always wrong, not even close. Just that the consequences are impossible to predict. I speak to so many men and women who leave imagining the grass will be greener, only to remarry a person with so many of the traits they resented in the individual they left.

If we could learn, really learn, what went wrong and the part we played in the failure of our marriages, then perhaps remarriages wouldn't have such a high divorce rate. Unfortunately we tend to build a case against the person we are leaving, vilify and demonize them to justify moving out. And we also are prone to idealize or romanticize our new loves, blind to the faults and challenges ahead.

Because divorce affects so many more people than the husband and wife, I encourage all on-the-fence clients to try to peek into the future and imagine how their decision will change lives beyond their own.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Very depressing article in last week's newspaper about the budget crunch eliminating up to 20 percent of community college class offerings.

Community colleges in California were the safety net that allowed students who could not afford or were not able to enroll in four-year univerisites to still matriculate and go on to get their college degrees. Now that assurance has an asterisk that reads: "You can still go to a community college but there is no guarantee you will be able to get the classes you need to transfer to a four-year or get your associate's degree."

It was a well researched article, complete with graphs depicting the cuts to operating budgets for Riverside, Mt. San Jacinto and San Bernardino community colleges. The last bar graph showed the dip in the number of classes offered. The text of the article quoted students who needed just one class to graduate being denied and having to wait and hope for the class over this summer or into next year.

It is problematic enough to keep our young people hopeful when the "New York Post" wrote that 85 percent of college graduates are returning home to live with their parents. The Post article had a quote from a young man with a degree from Vanderbilt, one of the nation's most prestigious universities. If a young man or woman with a degree from Vanderbilt can't get a job, what does that say for the prospects of a graduate from Cal State Fullerton or UC Riverside?

I am not writing this article to make worried parents and students more depressed; there is more than enough doom and gloom around for everyone to get a migraine. What I am underscoring is when a young adult states "It's no big deal if I get Cs or Ds in high school because I can always go to RCC or Mt. San Jacinto," those days may be coming to an end. Yes, they can enroll, but it may be like the house of mirrors at the amusement park -- getting out is another thing altogether.

I was always proud of California's three-tier college system: community colleges, state colleges and the UC system. For most of my life there was always a way for a motivated student to get a college degree. I would confront those who said college was only for the few and the privileged with the statement, "Not exactly true. If you want to you can start at a junior college, transfer to a four-year and get your degree while working at the same time. Mostly you are coming up with excuses."

Although this statement is still mostly true, it has lost a lot of its wallop. A young man or woman can still work their way through college, even starting out with mediocre grades, but to do so in today's economy may take years longer. Settling for Cs and Ds in high school just took on a more ominous outook for the future.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

When my grown children get a new boyfriend or girlfriend, my wife and I are anxious to meet them. My wife wants to invite them to dinner, maybe go to a movie and talk. I'm fine with dinner, an MMPI, a short mental health status exam and a talk in the study under my picture of Sigmund Freud. Either way, we want to know our son or daughter has chosen a person worthy of them.

Problem is, most grown children don't bring their dates home to meet mom and dad, at least not while they are getting to know one another. So weeks or months may pass and we hear about this person secondhand. Trying to be patient, we may drop subtle hints like, "So we'll be home this weekend, why don't you and XXXX drop by?"

Our kids, like most young adults, know exactly what we are up to and graciously make excuses that say, "When I'm good and ready, I'll let you know." My wife and I will fumble with statements like, "We have a really big piece of salmon and don't want it to go to waste" or "We have a coupon for a fresh strawberry pie from Coco's." Politely our kids will nod and state, "Ok, I'll let you know."

Parenting is so much different when the kids are adults. It is unreasonable to make demands, set limits or anything of the sort. We are left with what we hope is a reservoir of good will that encourages the young adults to know it is not our intent to be intrusive but we still care. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of the fact that kids, even grown ones, still want mom and dad's approval, and who they pick for a partner is a large part of being an adult. Until they feel confident they've chosen a keeper, chances are they will delay bringing him or her around mom and dad.

I mean, in your 20s, do you really want to hear your parents say your new friend is, "OK, I guess?" Might as well drive a dagger through their heart with an attached note that says, "Too stupid to choose wisely."

When my wife and I feel like we're being put on the back burner it's hard not to let imaginations go wild. Are we that embarrassing? Do you think it's because I chew with my mouth open and make weird noises? How is it I've failed the social coolness test?
Could be all or none of the above. Assuming I don't walk around in my PJs with my belly hanging out, it is entirely possible our son or daughter wants to take their time and feel more comfortable with their choice. Unlike when they were 15 or 16, we don't have the right to insist on meeting whom they are socializing with -- and although humbling, it's a sign of respect. Acknowledgment that now they are adults and when they feel the time is right, that is when it will happen.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Here's a tough one: Your son or daughter has a wonderful girlfriend or boyfriend and they've being together for years. You've grown very close to this almost son or daughter-in-law when it is announced they are breaking up. Shocked, you don't want to give up your friendship with this terrific person, yet your own child announces: "I've moved on and would appreciate it if you wouldn't invite my ex to family functions or the house anymore."

As a mom or dad you get a call from the former mate and they ask if you want to get together, like you've done a hundred times. You're torn between honoring the request of your grown child and rewarding the kindness and decency of this family friend.

Some parents will continue to see the person but not when their grown son or daughter is likely to be home. Others tearfully say goodbye, wish them well and ask for understanding. Is there a right or wrong thing to do?

It's kind of like a question out of the 1980s game Scruples, where we are presented with difficult choices and how we respond defines who we are. I don't think the answer falls into the categories of right or wrong but likely lines up under sensitive or respectful. Just as it may be insensitive for the grown child to ask the parent to cease all contact with their former partner, it is equally crass to force interaction with a person our child no longer wishes in their life.

I'm asked this question often. Usually my response will be along the lines of: I wouldn't invite them over for Christmas dinner or family functions, but maintaining contact that does not force the former couple to be together shouldn't be that hard. Yes, if asked I would take down the pictures from prom, or if they were married, the photos of that special day. If I were married then divorced it would be uncomfortable to bring my new girlfriend or wife to my parents' home where pictures of me with my former spouse are plastered over the family room wall.

An argument could be made that human beings are not property and no one owns another. Yes, certainly this is true. But even if that wedding picture looks absolutely perfect over the mantle and you spent in excess of half a year's wages on their wedding, the picture needs to come down.

If the parent chooses to keep in touch, no grown child has the right to insist their mom or dad cannot stay friends with their ex. But the friendship has to evolve with the understanding that just dropping by or planning vacations together are unlikely to persist. Most of us pair up with the hope it will be forever, yet the batting average for most Americans is shy of 50 percent.

By all means open your heart and home to paramours of your children, but I would advise treading carefully before you put them in the position of feeling awkward in their own home or the home of the parents.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

It's humbling starting a second career in your 40s, 50s or 60s, yet more and more this is the reality of looking for employment in 2012.

I speak with individuals who were trained to be realtors and are now keeping books. Licensed electricians who have gone back to be certified in roofing, concrete or another specialty they believe will be more in demand. Nurses who are cross-training in phlebotomy -- and the list goes on.

Very educated professionals find themselves seeking out a niche in their field that has need: general practitioners going back for another residency or lawyers switching from family law to taxes, journalists becoming proofreaders -- no profession seems immune from the devastation of this recession.

In my profession, some have left the field altogether to become teachers or professors only to find these jobs becoming scarce. I wish I could tell my "20-something" children, which jobs are the most secure, yet each time I open the newspaper or scan a home page on the Internet, there is a new list of "most in-demand jobs."

I'd love to be able to look a young person in the eye and say, "This profession, it's bomb-proof. Our nation is going to be needing X for the next three decades at least. Can't go wrong." For those who poured their life savings into buying a 60-Minute Photo and could not see the advent of digital photography, or families who scrimped and put everything they had into buying a big rig and now face $5-a-gallon gasoline -- these individuals know the confusion and fear.

I was raised to believe you go to high school, then either learn a trade or get a degree that leads to a job. Once you've secured that employment, it's the same job until retirement. The rules have changed. Few jobs seems secure and the ones that are have retirees in competition with new graduates for positions. No one wants to live at home with mom and dad in their middle age, yet more families are leaving their pride at the door as they move back into the home where they were raised.

I hear a lot about "this is how people live in other parts of the world," where several generations under one roof is the rule, not the exception. Several incomes are pooled to pay one mortgage, electric and water bill. I'm not an economist, but as a family counselor I am witnessing a reconfiguration of the American family. I have never seen so many grown men and women moving back in with the families they left in their 20s.

Yet there is a positive that seems to be emerging. Petty squabbles, reluctance to help with common chores; these are luxuries that seem silly to families who are struggling. Being humbled does have a plus when we are forced to reexamine what matters and redefine which values are important.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Often adolescents will come into my office and when asked to describe their feelings respond, "Do you know that song ...? It tells perfectly how I feel. Could you just listen to the song?" I always will. There is a universal calm that comes over most of us when what we experience is expressed by others.

The greatest artists, poets, songwriters and authors share this gift. They are able to put into their art an emotion that reaches out and leaves us feeling a little more connected. Their words and art are popular not because we are told it is great but because we relate to it.

Teenagers who say the lyrics of a song expresses who they are or what they experience are usually telling us they have felt understood. As a therapist my hope is the child will learn to speak for themselves, but in the short run, feeling understood is one of the great healing experiences of life.

I have favorite artists that are able to put into words emotions that express what I'm going through or have experienced. When others cannot relate to them I feel confused; because it makes so much sense to me what is being said and the way the sentiment is conveyed. I'm sure I frustrate others when I say I don't get Picasso or Kierkegaard but Bob Dylan can put in one sentence the angst of my entire adolescence or Brian Wilson describes the innocence and wonder of those years better than any psychologist.

I am patient when friends come to me and are excited to have me listen to a song or read a book that deeply touched them. When we agree, it's like sharing a wonderful secret, but when I read or listen and nothing happens, sheepishly I'll admit, "Sorry -- doesn't do it for me." I can see how crushed they are and then there becomes a distance neither of us wants. It is very intimate to share an artist or an author and to have them rebuffed? Well, it's hard not to take it personally.

My kids are patient when I listen to the oldies. They probably think it's all right but nothing compared to the musicians they prefer. For me, listening to a song from the time of my first kiss, the first time I drove by myself over Topanga Canyon or stayed up all night with a friend; these songs are the best songs. I know it, I feel it, I'm sure of it. In reality they're not, but to me they will always be reminders. Most of us long for the intensity of our "firsts" and the arts are one way we stay connected. Each generation, each person has their own special artists, so when a teenager tells me I've got to listen to a song, I'll put on the CD.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

There is a whole other side to bullying that is difficult to write about without seeming to blame the victim.

There are some children who are what experts refer to as "provocative victims." Meaning they taunt, annoy or act in a manner that deliberately frustrates their peers.

Often the response of the other children is to bully, ostracize or otherwise hurt the feelings of the provocative victim. I am not excusing, justifying or in any way suggesting that bullying a child, even if provoked, should be condoned or tolerated. What I am trying to say is when parents are told their child provokes the other kids, it should not automatically be dismissed or seen as blaming the victim.

There are a lot of constructive actions parents and educators can employ to minimize bullying. Giving the provocative victim the social skills they lack is an important part of any solution. It is also essential that any child who bullies is immediately given consequences that utilize the involvement of their parents.

Teaching a child who has a propensity for annoying other kids how to enter a room, wait their turn at recess or not make irritating comments are all achievable goals. Social skills training can be done either individually or in a group; the important point is to recognize that bullying is a complicated dynamic and any solution involves working with both parties.

It is not a good idea to get the parents of the bullying child and the victimized student together in the same room to "hash things out." Usually this well intentioned meeting winds up like an outtake from "The Jerry Springer Show." Even with an even-handed principal skilled in conflict mediation, things can get out of hand and a summit is not necessary to affect a solution.

If you are an educator or therapist trying to provide students who lack social skills with an awareness of the feelings of others, your work is cut out for you. Some children for a variety of reasons seem oblivious about how their behavior affects others.

Role playing is one of the more effective techniques, assisting children in understanding interactions ranging from waiting your turn to not responding aggressively when they are teased. Often children who provoke other kids lack may lack the ability to empathize or understand the feelings of others. Sure, it's possible the victimized child may have none of the above issues and is simply a child who has reached their limit. If this is the case, parents usually don't hear phrases like, "seems to escalate the other kids" or "fights back in a manner that makes things worse."

I realize by this point half of the readers are angry for suggesting bullying may be a shared dynamic; usually it is not. Most often, sweet, nice, well behaved children who may look different, have acne, or are thin or heavy may be unmercifully teased and bullied for no reason other than they look different than others think they should. In these situations the emphasis needs to be directed at the tormentor. However, speaking with any child who is bullied is time well spent.

BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

I've never had a Facebook page.

The idea is intriguing, staying in touch with people who matter, sharing pictures and all.

Unfortunately because of what I do for a living, most of the Facebook pages I see are in custody cases where the social networking is used to tattle, degrade or vilify former spouses. Friends and relatives are encouraged to weigh in via Facebook if they agree the former spouse is a horrible person or waste of time. Even in families where there is no litigation, Facebook is too often used to reprimand or correct others in a public format.

I'm not saying using the page for strong opinions isn't useful; only that when others are taken to task I am reminded how it feels to be publically corrected. Most of us remember when we were scolded by a parent or teacher in front of our friends and were looking for a place to hide. If the goal is to genuinely guide or correct another, using a public format is not wise. Few people during the experience of a public verbal flogging are actually pondering what is being said. Instead most of us are cringing and wondering what others must think and how to engage damage control.

I guess the word I'm looking for is gossiping. When Facebook is used to gossip and blogs are accessible to so many onlookers, I don't see much good coming from this. If someone has something critical to say to me, my hope is they will call me up and speak their mind. I may not like what is being said, but I'm much more likely to listen if it is done in a one-to-one format.

I don't fault social media. It is like any form of communication, from books to television to cell phones. They are not inherently good or bad. Having a cell phone does not compel us to text while driving or during fourth-period algebra. Those are our own choices. Personally I am thrilled to be living in an age where I can call a friend and see them as we talk or Google any subject and get an instant answer instead of going to the library and wading through volumes of books. And I don't think any of us has taken so many photographs as we do now that cameras are attached to our cell phones.

Blogging sites in addition to Facebook can be a wonderful place to connect with others going through similar issues. Sites for those with illnesses and life challenges find great comfort connecting with strangers who share a common bond. I certainly don't hope to see blogging outlawed, but it would not break my heart to find a way to make it more civil.

Instant access to voice our opinions has not made us less courteous but there seems to be an epidemic of entitlement that includes voicing hateful comments, out loud for all to see. I haven't seen an ABC poll asking, "Do you think as a society we are more or less polite than a generation ago?" but if such a poll were taken I have no doubt the answer would be resounding: less polite.

I'm not sure why so much blogging is reminiscent of graffiti on the bathroom wall but they have a lot in common. Anonymity coupled with a large marker does not seem to bring out the best in most of us.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Adolescents are posting videos of themselves on YouTube and asking whoever wishes to comment, "Am I ugly?"

Some commentators speculate the "Am I ugly?" videos are not authentic; others are saddened that teenagers, almost all girls, will ask total strangers to evaluate their attractiveness. What is not speculation is the desperation to fit in and feel attractive that permeates young girls of all ages.

I don't know if Americans are more superficial and beauty-conscious than every other culture but if we are not number one, it's a safe bet we're in the top five. As a counselor I've had young boys and girls as young as 8 years old state they were chronically depressed because they felt unattractive, and they use the word "ugly" to describe themselves.

Many elementary-age students will come in for counseling because they will not go to school for fear of being taunted about their looks or lack of attractiveness. Fourth- and fifth-graders tell me the pecking order at their school is based on who is hot and who is not. Not who is kind, funny, smart or helpful, but popularity is doled out by superficial appearance.

Trying to access these young boys and girls is problematic. I can't tell them as they get older our culture will become less obsessed with looks and attractiveness. If anything, Americans become more fixated on appearance, sexiness and physicality, not less, as they age. Look at the covers of the most popular magazines and they are sprinkled with men and women who are beautiful, not necessarily smart or helpful, but sexy, thin and possessing unattainable attractiveness.

The rates of anorexia and bulimia are not going down. The pressure to be sexy is emerging at younger and younger ages. When I have 7-year-olds ask their mothers, "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" my heart deflates. Seriously, at 7, girls are already worried about cellulite and how curvy their pre-pubescent body may be?

These 7-year-old girls are not supposed to be curvy; they are supposed to be 7. Jon Benet Ramsey became the polarizing example of very young girls who were paraded about to appear much older and encouraged to be sexually provocative. It is unfair to focus on a tragically murdered child, but turn on the TV show "Toddlers and Tiaras" and you will see America at its sickest. Four-. 5- and 6-year-old girls strutting about with full makeup, jutting out their hips in a come-hither fashion.

Therapists and counselors refer to the emphasis on children being compelled to act and look grown up before their chronological age catches up with them as being "hyper-sexualized." While I understand most kids want to be perceived as older than they are, the pressure of being hyper-sexualized does not have a positive side. The down sides are many: very young pregnancies, peer pressure to ridicule those who do not mature at the earliest ages, damaged self-image - all of these are consequences of hyper-sexualization.

We all share culpability when we reinforce the outside and ignore the inside.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Often when men and women start new relationships their partner comes with baggage.

"Baggage" is one of those trendy terms everyone knows but has absolutely no psychological value. Usually "baggage" refers to a former spouse or partner - as in, "Hey, I'm a great catch but my ex is a nightmare."

When I'm facilitating relationship counseling and the man or woman speaks extensively and negatively about their current mate's former partner, it's a warning. Especially when they use words like "she was a b***h" or "he was emotionally selfish." I'm thinking, how do they know this? Did they talk with this person, go to high school with them or work in the same office? Usually the answer is no, and often they have never even met. But they speak with such certainty: "My love is a wonderful person and deserves a medal for putting up with that #%&#!"

I understand that individuals don't break off relationships with people they get along with and admire, at least not typically, but to speak excessively about how awful their last choice was and pass this along to the current one is not a great sign.

Kind of like the adage, "Don't speak poorly of your old boss when applying for a job because your prospective employer will think, 'If they say that about their old boss, what will say about me?' "

A man or woman who bashes their ex and goes on and on is probably missing this part of the equation: Most of us pick mates who are as healthy or messed up as we are. It's also not an encouraging characteristic if one's new mate not only joins the bashing-ex bandwagon but is a major cheerleader.

Most of us have had relationships that for a variety of reasons did not sustain. Could be we were too young, went away to college, fell in love with someone else, the list is endless. But if the reason, after five, 10 or 15 years, is because you were with a sociopath or total user it says more about you than the other person.

I had a friend who was a child custody evaluator. I was trying to explain how difficult it was to believe a wonderful and giving individual would marry such a depraved miscreant. She looked at me and said, "I know, Madonna doesn't marry the Pope." Kind of cut to the heart of the matter and she was right.

So anyone who believes they are dating or marrying a person who deserves a special place in heaven for putting up with their former spouse is going to find out their current love has issues as well, probably as many as their ex, only different ones. To pretend otherwise is not only naïve but setting yourself up for disappointment.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

After the tragedy in Washington where a father embroiled in a custody battle killed his two sons and himself, a lot of individuals asked, "What could cause a parent to kill their own child?"

I can't really answer about this father; there is speculation he may have killed the mother who went missing. One has to wonder about mental illness among many other reasons. The more salient issue is what happens to the mind of a parent during a protracted custody battle?

A common cliché is "do whatever you want to me but don't mess with my kids." For most parents there is a primitive protectiveness that extends to their children. Parents have been known to run back into a burning home to rescue their child. Moms and dads will literally take a bullet for their own; so strong is the maternal and paternal instinct.

So if you are a loving and devoted parent, and another individual is attempting to take your child away from you, strong feelings inevitably emerge. Emotions flow that are so intense many find themselves saying words and behaving in a manner way out of character. I have spoken with hundreds of parents in the midst of custody litigation and it is unusual to find a mom or dad who is not on edge, distracted or fluctuating between depression and rage.

Some parents psychologically get to a place where they become emotionally exhausted and consider irrational behaviors like absconding with the children to another country or going into hiding within the U.S. If the parent either has a history of questionable behavior or is accused of such, a judge may order supervised visits between the parent and child. A monitor is assigned and that man or woman is told to watch the visitation, listen to what is said and intervene if anything inappropriate occurs.

Listening to the 911 tape of the supervision monitor speaking to the police dispatcher in the Josh Powell case, I was struck by the monitor's professionalism and insight. Talk radio has thrown this woman under the bus, yet it was not her decision to authorize the visitation; that was a decision of the court. Her job was to understand the dynamics of this father with the children, and immediately she called 911 and did her best to communicate it was a potentially lethal situation. According to news reports she was kept on the line with 911 in excess of six minutes until she finally announced, "The house blew up with the kids inside."

I have lots of colleagues who are supervised visitation monitors and I don't envy their jobs. They take copious notes and often must intervene if a parent is whispering out of earshot, touching the child or in some way breaking the rules. These monitors have an often thankless job, mediating between one parent who resents their presence and another parent who wishes the visits would stop all together. It would be helpful if these individuals could be brought into the spotlight in a positive fashion.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

I had a young girl in my office and at 8 years old told me who in her class were the popular ones, the prettiest and coolest. She knew in the third grade where she fell in the pecking order. This young lady told me she was in the lowest 25 percent of the cool kids and felt she would be forever tainted as dweeby and untouchable.

Imagine believing at such a young age your future has been decided, and because of the way you look -- before puberty, before high school, before life -- your future is one of being a pariah. No matter what I said, it did not carry the same weight as a compliment or sense of acceptance from a peer.

I tried to reassure her kids would get less judgment and superficial as they got older. She didn't care if later in life men and women would come to value not only looks but kindness, intellect, humor and compassion. At that point she would have traded all of her goodness for higher cheekbones and legs that were not so thin. I tried to look into her eyes, to access her in some way, but the sadness that enveloped her shut her off from perspective and any other way of thinking.

Most countries do not have the same types of self-image problem our young women endure. It is unusual to see anorexia in many foreign countries and yet here at home, the need to be a "10," flawless, beautiful and gorgeous, is getting stronger, not waning.

It's too easy to just blame "the media,"; TV, magazines and movies. Sure, with Photoshop and the ability to shoot at any angle, they present women who are, at least in the mind of Hollywood, perfect. But with the epidemic of plastic surgery, Botox and implants, it is becoming rarer for a child or adult to be allowed to look like an individual.
But what about the typical, slightly gangly 8-year-old who is already being teased for not having curves, showing bucked teeth and imperfect skin all before the age when children are supposed to develop and have braces? There is something very wrong with a culture that insists our prepubescent girls look and act like they are 17.

We can't give them back their innocence, their childhood, after the teasing, name calling and ostracism. What we can do is pull each aside, listen and affirm that who they already are is good enough. That all of us come in different shapes and sizes. Strive for being healthy yet allow one to consider they are not perfect.

No one is crueler than kids, we all know this. Yet when we look at the reality shows filled with vacuous women being crueler than 8th-graders, ripping into one another's wrinkles and cellulite, and garnering ratings high enough to spawn now half a dozen "Real Housewives" shows, it appears the epidemic of cruelty has leapt beyond middle school into mainstream America.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

I just completed reading an article where it was stated the entire faculty at a Los Angles elementary school would be replaced because two of the teachers were suspected of lewd behaviors with children.

While I understand the fear and anger that parents and educators must experience discovering a teacher has been molesting or abusing students, I fail to see the wisdom of replacing every faculty member.

All parents would like a guarantee our children will not fall prey to a sick and abusive person. One of the worst nightmares of a mother or father is that their child will be harmed while in the care of an trusted adult. We must use caution and the best screening methods possible, of course. However the reality is most teachers, priests, doctors and daycare workers are good people who care about children and would never harm them.

Where is the wisdom of replacing an entire faculty because two out of 60 or 80 teachers are suspected of lewd behaviors? If it can be ascertained the school was out of control with no supervision and the educators had a contagion effect of lawlessness then sure, send them all away. But if you or I were one of those teachers who were called into the office and told we had to be transferred because of the acts of one or two, likely we would scratch our heads and ask, "Why?"

The entire subject of child abuse has become an obsession that often loses common sense and is prone to simple solutions for complex problems. As a therapist and advocate for children, I share the outrage and anger whenever a child is mistreated. I am aware how especially vulnerable young children are to abuse because their understanding of reality and fantasy are so easily blurred. Kids do not make good prosecutorial witnesses.

It is no accident that when kids are abused, often the perpetrators are exonerated. Most pedophiles do their heinous acts in secrecy; it is rare there will be witnesses beyond the stories of the very young children. We must do a better job of protecting all of those among us who are defenseless, whether it is children, the intellectually impaired or the elderly.

I was doing a custody evaluation a few years ago and a parent asked for full custody because their former spouse was a Catholic and wanted to take their child to Sunday Mass. The parent argued it was a known fact most priests are child abusers and to expose their child to such an environment clearly proved their co-parent must be lacking in judgment.

Wow, all priests are child abusers? All teachers must be exchanged? The most effective ways to protect our children will not come in the form of wholesale prejudice or easy answers. Defending the helpless has always been and will continue to involve teaching self-respect, building trust with parents and helping children know when an adult tells them to not tell mom or dad, the first thing they should do is run and tell mom and dad everything.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

There is a sickening feeling that comes over a person when they are in a class they know is over their head.

Although it has been 40-plus years, I still remember sitting in Algebra 2 at Taft High School, staring out the window because I had not a clue what the teacher was saying. After class I would trudge home, open my math book and attempt to understand equations that made no sense when the teacher explained them. I was resigned to get all passing grades and one F.

It made sense to me at the time. I would do really well, get all As and Bs in my other classes and retake algebra over the summer. I became consummate at hiding my homework, quizzes and test grades from my parents. When my father would ask, "So how is math going?" I would look him straight in the eye and lie: "Fine. Tough sometimes, but I'm getting it."

When my midterm progress report came home and revealed a 53 percent, my parents knew I was less than honest. I hated lying to them but was not ready to accept I was required to take a class I could not pass no matter how hard I tried. I was toast and there was nothing anyone could do.

My father tried tutoring me himself. My dad was a math whiz and even though it had been decades since he'd taken algebra, he was a CPA and a savant at math. It was eerie. He could read any chapter in my algebra book, take a deep breath, then look at me and understand every nuance, every equation and every weird step necessary to complete the problems.

It didn't take long to discover having my own father tutoring me was a terrible idea. Finally one night about 1 a.m., my mom came into my dad's study and observed, with the eloquence only a mother possesses, "This is nuts. Mitch needs a tutor and it ain't you."

I got a tutor and hated him. He was nice enough, but seriously, I spent all day in school doing work, came home, did homework and then was supposed to be grateful to spend an additional hour studying the class I hated the most?

After failing the class, I got one more chance to pass it over the summer. Yippee. It was a disgusting class I was trapped in for four hours from 8 a.m. until noon, Monday through Friday, when the rest of my friends were at Pier 2 at Santa Monica beach with their boogie boards. What I learned that summer however, changed my life. I squeaked by with a C-minus and never took a math class again, but my parents made it clear there was no escaping (X-Y) + (X+Y) = Z. I moped and sulked and swore, but once it was clear I had to do the algebra whether I liked it or not, my life oddly became easier.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

This is the time of year college-bound seniors will begin to get early acceptance letters from universities. Anxious young men and women pore over the mail in their parents' mailbox. It is a very personal and lonely time for 17- and 18-year-olds as they open letters they feel will determine their futures.

I am not minimizing the value of setting a goal and obtaining it. But getting into a school and graduating from it are whole different issues. Yes, some schools have statistics that tout the percentage of students who enroll and then graduate within four years as over well over 70 percent. Less encouraging are the schools that hover around 50 percent or below.

Educators interview their students and try figuring out with some statistical certainty just how many will walk down the aisle four, even five years later, and the reason or reasons so many do not. For every parent who has sent off a son or daughter on a day filled with encouragement only to discover the path was not set in stone, these parents and young adults have to adjust to a difficult detour.

If I had to list the top reasons young men and women do not make it through and wind up back home without a degree, several obstacles emerge: Alcohol and drugs, love gone wrong, video games, depression (the late teens and early 20s are the prime ages for many of the more serious emotional disorders to present), finances, too much or too little supervision; these are the problems that I see derail so many university students.

So how do families minimize the odds their child will go to college only to return without a degree? There is no one-size-fits-all, but I have found among those students who are successful there is a continued contact with parents and home. It may not be every day, even every week, but whether by cellular, email or trips home, students who enjoy their independence yet are comfortable with their families seem to have a foundational advantage.

Understanding the first year is often the hardest is also essential. Taking a full load plus an extra few classes and working part-time the first year of college is not for everyone. Yes, the more units you take, the early one graduates, but once that first D or F rolls in, the whole tenor of what is possible, even likely, changes.

Many can handle working and a full-time load but the first year may not be the time to load up on difficult classes required to graduate. Every university I have toured has a student health center with counseling services attached. There is no shame and always anonymity. It may be humbling, but so many young men and women struggle that first year. Making an appointment and sitting down for an hour may be the most important college experience of all.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Now that school has resumed, so has the struggle with homework. Many parents tell me, "Christmas vacation was wonderful. Three weeks with no arguments about homework. I wish our home could always be this peaceful. Makes me wonder if it's worth it -- the tug-of-war over homework every single night when our relationship is so happy if we tiptoe around it."

Ah bliss! Yes, it's a good thing for a parent to discover they really can have a close and loving relationship with their child. Problem is, the child lives in a world with expectations, bosses, deadlines and accountability. So if our job was to prepare children for learning to play video games, hang out with the family or excel at board games, no problem. The reality is the purpose of being a parent is to prepare our children to be able to function without us. An independent child is the highest compliment a parent can receive. We may not make a profit raising them -- in fact, financially it's a losing proposition -- but if at the end you can sit back and see your child as confident and self-sufficient, then it's all worth it.

So is the nightly fighting over homework really worth it? It is if you don't want your kids living with you into their 50s. I have had many friends, neighbors and acquaintances who have grown children living with them and the "kids" are into their 40s. Not because of a sudden turn of events like divorce, loss of a job or domestic violence, but because the parents never insisted their children come up with an exit strategy.

Sometimes when this happens it is the parent more than the child whose needs are coming first. The parent is so enmeshed with their child they really don't want them to become independent, go off to college, get married and leave. No, they are still "my baby" even though the baby is 6'2" tall and 180 lbs.

Homework is not fun, but the fights over homework are not just about homework. They are about values, who is in charge, learning to delay gratification and building pride and confidence. It is difficult for students to feel proud of themselves when they receive failing grades or are pulled aside by the teacher and asked, "Why haven't you turned in your assignments?"

That is why I encourage parents to have their students turn in late work even if they get half or no credit. If you have an assignment, the value being instilled is that it must be completed. Getting credit or not is another issue. Being a student means you understand there are expectations. When a child sits in that classroom, their presence is saying, "I am here in good faith that you will do your best to educate me and I will do my best to learn."

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Staying angry takes a lot of effort; it actually takes less effort to be superficial or at least cordial. Those periods in my life when I have harbored a grudge I found it to be exhausting and at times, silly. I had to remember I wasn't talking to someone or remind myself to look mad or at least disinterested when they talked. I'm not saying anger isn't a normal emotion; it is. Staying angry or investing in staying mad just isn't all that healthy.

Some people are just bad news. Sure, we've all met individuals bereft of morals or values. Best thing for most of us is to stay away from them or at least minimize the time we spend in their company. But if we are related to or have to work with a person we don't like, even if there are good reasons, putting in extra effort to not say, "Hello" when they acknowledge us or avoiding eye contact can be depleting for us emotionally.

We've all seen people, especially kids, who can appear transparent when they try really hard to not smile or like another. Their faces scrunch up and it's almost like we can see the sweat pouring down their faces. If a child does this it is usually motivated by desire to either make a point or be taken seriously. Sometimes kids (and adults) aren't ready to stop being angry and they let us know by their countenance.

There are probably half a dozen people I really don't like, not at all. But if I'm thrown into their presence either at work or a social gathering, I hope I don't stomp off or avoid returning a superficial "hello." Too much work. I'm sure, or at least I think, I will probably stay mad at this person indefinitely for what they've done, but it is not a healthy goal to master the art of being grumpy.

Chances are if we are heavily invested in staying angry there are words that need to be said or issues waiting to be clarified. At the end of a long and unproductive dialogue it is entirely possible the conclusion will remain, "This person is just a jerk!" Could be.

There may be a few people I can't stomach and would still ignore or walk away from given the chance. I'm not proud of it, but dollars to donuts (whatever that means), I feel totally justified.

There comes a point for most of us when we decide whether this other person is really worth dominating our thoughts or investing in. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If it is our personal goal to be rid of a person in our lives, it's not necessary that we avoid eye contact. If the point you wish to make is that they no longer matter, then it is possible indifference, rather than emotional attachment, might be a better fit.

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BY MITCHELL ROSEN
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

For some women, having a boyfriend or spouse who can be jealous is seen as an affirmation of their desirability.

I suppose this could be true, but more often jealousy is commensurate with the man's insecurity more than the woman's attractiveness. I understand that most men choose partners they find attractive and they assume other males see them similarly. This makes perfect sense. What makes less sense is when a man tries to order his partner to change her clothes because he deems them too revealing or decides where his mate can go, with whom and when. These behaviors cross the line from "I think you're pretty" and leap into the realm of hypervigilence and insecurity.

Most of us hope our partners have deep emotions when they think of our relationship. So it's understandable to be brokenhearted learning the person we trust is flirting with others or being intimate on the sly. As a marriage counselor, I will ask a couple if romantic trust is an issue in their relationship. About half say, "No, thank goodness. That's one problem neither of us worries about." The other half will say something like, "Not usually, but sometimes." Or, "Just with her (or his) former spouse but usually, no."

If you have ever been in a relationship where fidelity and trust is an issue, then you probably know how exhausting and unrewarding these emotions can be. It is my observation that being in a relationship where trust is uncertain robs a person of the enjoyment of companionship. In other words, if you have to put a GPS under the skin of your mate to really trust them, then it may be time to cut your losses and move on.

Jealousy goes both ways with gender. Some men are perpetually insecure and some women cannot relax and accept that their mate will be faithful. Sure, if a person has been cheated on, rebuilding trust will take time and hard work. It's possible, but not improbable. I do not, however, believe because an individual has been treated unfaithfully by one partner, all future partners should understand trust will be forever elusive. Yes, it hurts to be lied to, but to then live your life assuming all future mates will eventually cheat is not reasonable, rational or even common sense.

Each couple decides for themselves what are acceptable or unacceptable behaviors in a relationship. In our culture going to a bar or dance club without your partner may be seen as pushing a limit. I don't pass judgment, I just observe that many find this uncomfortable. When, however, a man or woman must clear with their partner what they can wear and with whom they can speak, and they are required to put all conversations with people of the opposite sex on speaker phone, these are symptoms not loving behaviors.

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